What Next?

Another Chance

2011-01-19T20:46:00.002Z

Since a very young age all I ever wanted to be was a games designer, I have always thought about story ideas, game ideas and how cool it would be to have one of my games played by millions. As I said before, my career has not taken off like I wanted it too. Things don't go to plan and I accept that.

Since graduating from uni, my love for games had wavered. I still wanted to get in the industry because all my life I have worked so hard to this and it would be a waste to just change direction suddenly but I felt drained and I needed to learn more about my future profession. In order to do that I needed to gain experience at a games company, here's the hitch in my plan... so are thousands of other applicants in the current global economic crisis. Feeling so drained, my natural instinct was to wait it out and see what turns up. I wasn't in desperate need of money because I could work for my parent at my family business. I did apply to companies every now and then but have never had a response or never got past the first stage of recruitment.

Before I knew it a year passes with no light at the end of the tunnel. I was going to give up my dream. A friend of mine works at a television production company and he told me that I should apply to go to the workshops that are held at the Edinburgh TV festival which are taught by industry professionals. It was free and you learn a lot in 3 days. I listened to him and applied but like my previous job applications I was rejected. I was beginning to feel down in the dumps, until I received an email from the people from the Edinburgh TV festival advertising a fairly expensive 3 day course in London giving an insight of how the industry works and how to get into the TV industry from the eyes of industry professionals. After much deliberation I decided to participate this course.

I will talk about my experience in London at later date because the interesting thing happens after this course. I was ready to give up on games and try to get into TV but then I received a phone call from a recruitment office of a games course which is done from home, they wanted to send a course advisor to my house to discuss if the course was suitable for me or not. I vaguely remembered applying to the course a few months previous and I was interested what the advisor had to say so I agreed.

Meeting the advisor was probably life changing, not majorly but in a small way because within a 2 hour conversation he made me realise I still had a passion for games, I still wanted to make games and I wanted to do the course. He did all this without selling me the course, he just told me what the course was and why the course was made and then we just talked about games and the games industry and about me.

Fate is a funny thing, I thought I was doing the right thing by changing my career choice but somehow fate directed me back to the path I wanted to be on all along.

What Next?

2011-01-17T22:20:00.002Z

Up until an hour ago I wasn't going to ever touch this blog again, but thanks to Josiah's comment on a post I made half a year ago. I realised that I still have more to write now more than I ever did before. So again thank you Josiah for bringing me back to the blogosphere.

So what next?

For the last 2 years I have constantly asked myself this question. Every time I thought I knew where my path was leading to, another obstacle/crossroad came my way. I know life is full of these challenges but I have felt so lost for so long because I never know how to move forward. When I was younger I always had a plan, get into university to study a profession, graduate from university, get job in chosen profession.

However, since leaving uni all I have been doing is trying to get out of a rut that I have been stuck in. Momentum is a funny thing, once you lose it you need a big push to get it back. I'm still trying to push myself but still to no avail.

My life has not been all doom and gloom though, quite contrary. I am cherishing my relationship with Sunday and even though we have had our fair share of ups and downs, I actually think she is the one. In fact, I'd go as far as regretting the fact I wrote in this blog thinking she would not be the one for me. (A reason I avoided this blog) I was in denial to think that my love was not only for her. She has been the only girl I truly cared about after all this time.

I know that you will have one of 2 reactions to the previous paragraph, either "Aww..." or "I'm gonna be sick!" I understand that not everyone believes in true love but I guess I am an idealist in thinking that I have found her.

On that note I think I should stop before it gets too unbearable...

I won't make any promises for how long my 2nd stint on the blogosphere will be but hopefully you can follow me through this and see what's next.

Levelling Up

2010-06-06T10:55:00.004+01:00

If you have not noticed I am a major gaming geek. Which I suppose is handy considering I want to be a computer games designer. One of my favourite game genres is the RPG (role playing game). The reason I like it so much is because you grow with the character as the story unfolds. After every battle you gain experience and eventually you level up. If only life was as plain and simple like this, or is it?

Life is funny, depending from the point of view, it can be be as simple as you want it or as complicated as you can see it, but one thing remains constant. No matter how peaceful your life is, problems and challenges will arise at some point, which often turns into some kind of conflict and if you get past it all, you gain a little bit more experience and you grow up a bit or in other words level up.

The reason why I am telling you this? For the past month I have spent most of that time together with my girlfriend. We went on a holiday together which was meant to be very romantic and in my head it was going to be perfect. But it wasn't. After a year of being together, we have never had a single fight, not even a heated argument but last month out of 31 days I spent 23 days with her, we had fought for 10 days. Admittedly it was not 10 days in a row but spread out quite evenly. In the end we got past it all and I feel we both learnt more about each other in that one month than we have for the last year. We had both grown up a little bit more and just as happy as we were before that month.

So conflict or battles can make life miserable but if you can get past it, the feeling of relief and joy makes the whole thing worth it. I am not saying go out and pick a bar fight because the outcome is simple (someone gets hurt and no one will feel joy), what I am saying is that life is not perfect and when you do have problems stacked against you just see it through and don't try to escape it.

Growing up and levelling up its all the same.

Classic Tune Tuesdays - When The Sun Goes Down

2010-04-06T12:27:00.004+01:00

Not my favourite Arctic Monkeys' song but definitely a classic.

From Who the Fuck are the Arctic Monkeys? To What the Fuck has happened to the Arctic Monkeys?

In my opinion their lyrics have gotten progressively worse. Their first album was pure genius, every single song had its own story, its own charm and its own witty lyrics. Now the Arctic Monkeys' songs are not as upbeat and not as witty but I must admit the storytelling is still good.

Most of the time I don't mind musicians changing their direction but when it changes so much so that it is beyond recognition, then I stop following the new stuff and reminisce the good old days and wished music was like that again.

Now I feel like a grumpy old man!

Classic Tune Tuesdays - Everyday Is A Winding Road

2010-03-30T13:51:00.002+01:00

These are the days when anything goes.

This is a great song to drive to on a sunny afternoon. Picking out this song, I reminded myself why I love Sheryl Crow. There are so many little insights in her music. I did originally want to pick "If it makes you happy" but it sounded to depressing for my currently happy mood so I picked this song very impulsively (so I hope you like it).

Life would be so much boring if you didn't take detours and have that stop to figure out where you are at the moment. Nothing in this life is a straight path, you want something you have to work towards and as you get closer to it you just sit back, enjoy the ride.

Classic Tune Tuesdays - The Anthem

2010-03-23T12:49:00.006Z

I actually had trouble picking one song this week because I kept remembering so many good ones. In the end, I chose this one because it is sunny at the moment and every time I listen to this song I just want go out and have fun.

I found this band in my first year in uni and I fell in love with this song because its so upbeat. Since then this song has forever been my summer anthem. (I know its only Spring but Summer is around the corner and I am ready for it after having a long and harsh winter!)

Also this video reminds me of another post (Shuffle)so feel free to read it because it is one of my favourites.

So get up, get up, let the good times roll!

Classic Tune Tuesdays - Zombie

2010-03-16T13:30:00.003Z

I think this song is so hauntingly beautiful (yes, I did just sound lame). The reason I chose this song is because it was the first song that popped in my head (see what I did there?) when I was trying to think of revival.

For those who don't know, I actually have another blog, it's where I (attempt to) write some of my fictional stories and poems. This blog is more or less hidden from the world mainly because I never really get inspired enough to use it. So far I have only made 3 posts in the last year and the last post I made was yesterday. It's a story I started writing back in May. I had only written the opening paragraph and nothing else. I did not have any plan for it, so I saved it and I left it.
Yesterday whilst I was deleting the many blank or awful drafts in my storage I came across this story I had started and I had the urge to bring it back from the dead and carry it on, I still didn't have any plan for it but I just went with the flow. Well I have more or less finished it so feel free to go read it here.

You can't kill an idea. What's in your head stays there and you cannot forget it completely.

Classic Tune Tuesdays - Why Don't You Get Job

2010-03-09T12:35:00.005Z

For the past week I had a bit of trouble picking the one song I liked a long time ago and I haven't heard in a very long time. But after surfing the blogosphere and coming across Mr O's blog. I was almost imediately reminded of this song.

Its not the most memorable of Offspring's songs because they have so many good songs that this one tends to be overlooked. That being said I really love this song because back in the day it was this song that got me into Offspring and without this I would never have discovered one of my all time favourite songs, "The Kids Aren't All Right".

Listening to this song now I really need to get myself give myself a kick in the arse and get a real career job.

Damn my apathy...

Classic Tune Tuesdays - Where'd you Go

2010-03-02T11:48:00.007Z

Gonna start making myself blog more regularly than I currently do so, I am gonna dedicate tuesdays to classic songs that I have not heard for a long time.

I am a big Linkin Park fan, so when I heard Mike Shinoda made a solo hip hop album I was intrigued. I loved his first single, "Remember the Name" but this song "Where'd you Go" is one of my all time favourite songs.

I remember watching one of the videos on the CD and Mike told Jay-Z that this song had to be on this album and he would not take no for an answer because when he first played it to his wife.. she cried. The song is just so emotional and it is so easy to relate to. At the moment I have that same feeling because I am constantly away from my girlfriend and missing her never gets easier.

Deep End

2010-02-28T20:26:00.002Z

I like jumping in the deep end when it comes to unknown territory.(bad analogy considering I swim like a rock) I love immersing myself in something so much that I know everything that there is too know about it. Its partly due to my thirst for knowledge and partly because of my pre-programmed personality that my dad has taught me. Either don't do anything or do something to the best of your capability, don't go halfway. (which probably explains why i am lazy most of the time)

One thing that slightly irritates me is when international students or people who move to a foreign country that don't try to mix with people that don't speak the same language as them. I understand that it is difficult but just having the effort to learn the local langauge is good enough. One of the fastest ways of learning foreign language is to be forced to listen and speak it everyday. Surely the point of going to another country is to expand your way of life and learning from other cultures.

One thing that does really irritate me though is when bigotted english people who complain about immigrants and their lack of learning english, then moving to Spain or some other different country with lower tax rates and not learning the local language. Nothing more worse than a bigot than a hypocritical bigot!

Ricky Gervais - "Everybody speaks english! but if they don't you just point at what you want and say it louder."

I guess I would have done things differently, if I ever emigrate to a place that doesn't speak english I would love to dive in at the deep end and learn more about the place and the culture that I live in and not be content with struggling with the language and just sticking with people just because communication is easier. It might be for the better and it might be for the worse but at least I can say I tried.

Rad Bromance

2010-02-04T19:08:00.004Z

Here is a story of how I met one of my best friends. His name is Jim and I have known him for a few years now. We lived together at the same halls of residence in my second year of uni. Although I never really knew him well until nearer towards the middle of that academic year. I was really good friends with his neighbours at the time but not really with him, he wasn't always around and he didn't always hang out with us.

I have spoken before how I manage to find a common ground with most people I meet. So here is an example, on first impressions me and Jim are completely different people. His main interests at the time was the military, politics and going out with the lads. Apart from going out, I really didn't think I had anything in common with him. That was until one night he walked into a middle of a conversation about anime. He wanted to know more about the different series we were talking about and I told him he should just watch one and see what he thought. I recommended one of my favourite animes that he would probably like, called "Gundam Seed". It is basically about a boy fighting in a war that he has been forced to fight in because he wants to protect his friends but the people he is fighting against is his own race(with giant robots). A few weeks later Jim comes back to me and tells me he loved the series and I recommended him some more anime. Thats how it all started, eventually we became more friendly towards each other. He always came round my room to play video games and he started to hang out with us more.

When I became a student rep, I asked him if he wanted to help out during freshers week and he agreed. Throughout that week I introduced him to a lot of my other friends who were outside of Jim's usual friends circle. Which subsequently got him laid (talk about being a good wingman!).

We eventually became two of the four core members of our house and began recruiting housemates for the following year. We were not always together but we could get along really well when we were. We could talk about anything and we could joke about anything. When I had my car accident, Jim was the first person I asked for help and he drove about 30 miles to get me. Now that alone in my mind is a good Bro.

We still keep in contact regularly and since I have met him we have had such a relationship that only guys like Turk and JD from Scrubs would understand.

It's not gay but its guy love between two guys.

The Inbetweener

2010-01-24T20:34:00.004Z

Throughout my life I have been a pretty average person. I was never good at nor bad at anything. I was never the most athletic person or skillfully good at sports, but I can be better than some. I have never been the smartest person in class but I am able to stumble my way into getting a degree. I was not the most popular guy in school but I wasn't a social outcast either (an inbetweener).

Now there are good and bad things to being an inbetweener.

Educationally, I don't have many things that I will be naturally bad at, but I won't be naturally good at anything either. There are exceptions to the rule but generally it's true. I have to put in a lot of more effort than most people before I can get good at something. I am a slow learner but once I have learnt something I will never forget it. Due to me being a slow learner though, I do find it hard to seek the motivation to learn something I have no interest in.

Physically, I am not a strong person but I am not a weakling either. I admit I am very unfit at the moment but I have never been really fit to begin with. I put it down to laziness. I used to think I was terrible at sports but thats because I never had the confidence to do well. Even if I am bad at a sport I never stop trying. My motivation? I never want to be the worst at anything!

Socially, I have a lot of friends and thats mainly because I have learnt how to be more social towards people. I can always find a common ground to stand on with anyone. Back in high school though I found it more difficult because I was shy and I would never really stand out amongst other people. I couldn't get attention from the jocks, the intellectuals or from the popular kids. I was fine with that because I liked my friends even though there were days where I just couldn't stand them.(maybe its the hormones?)

I have to say being average is not really that exciting. I have had some good times, they could have been better but they could have been a lot worse. So I am just thankful that they weren't. The one great thing about being an inbetweener though is that I am always content with what I have but I have the ability to dream and maybe achieve for more.

Sardines

2010-01-19T20:59:00.003Z

Another example of how to entertain a group of bored and young university students with too much time on their hands, living in a big house. One night my housemates and I thought it would be great to play a game.

This game was something a friend had played when he was a child, it is called "Sardines." I had never heard of the game before, let alone play it but it sounded interesting. Basically it is the reversed hide and seek. One person hides everyone seeks. Once you find the hider you hide with them. So if you are in a cupboard hiding more and more people will hide with you the as time goes by and you'll be like a "sardine" in a tin. I told my housemates about it one night in passing and none of us had ever heard of the game but we all liked the idea so we decided to play.

We waited until it was completely dark. The only light that was in the house was from the street lights outside coming in through the windows. To drown out the sound of creaky floorboards in the house I had my music on really loud. The rules were simple. Hide anywhere within the house, no room was off limits. The last person seeking would be the next person hiding.

We had one of the most memorable night in uni that night. It was hot and sweaty due to the close contact from hiding in small spaces. It was also a bit scary when you walk around and you realise that everyones "gone". All in all it was a terrific experience and one that I doubt would ever be repeated again.

The things our house did for shits and giggles...

Rocky Run

2010-01-08T22:15:00.006Z

I said before that I would write more about New York city but I prefer to write the more interesting stories of my American trip first whilst it is relatively fresh in my mind.

Before I left Philadelphia, I had to go visit the Rocky statue because it was one of my main reasons for going there. Due to one of my friends hurting her back I had no time to do it apart from the 2 hours before the Greyhound bus departed. I thought 'I can get there and back within 2 hours, no problem.' but that was because I thought the statue was near the town hall which was about 20 minutes walk from the station. My companions decided not to join me because friend still had the bad back and the other did not want to leave the friend with bad back alone. So I decided that I would bring them back a cheesesteak on the way.

When I got to the town hall I had a lot of trouble locating the statue. I decided to go to thepark nearby and ask for directions. A kind gentleman pointed me to the direction of the statue. I looked towards the direction he was pointing and saw a long straight road that lead to the Art museum.

I checked the time, I had 1 hour and 30 minutes before the bus leaves the station. I knew it was a long way but if I ran towards the statue I could just make it. The photo above was the taken from the location I had decided to run for it. I forgot to mention, at the time i was carrying a small over the shoulder bag with my netbook inside. Making the run slightly more difficult.

Murphy's Law states that when something bad can happen it will, so it began to rain.
Also the road that originally looked quite far was in actual fact a lot further away than first thought.

When I did finally get to the statue, I was out of breath, wet from the rain and reaking of sweat. I was somehow lucky though because I bumped into a family kind enough to take a photo for me with the statue. I then checked the time, I had 30 minutes left!

I thought the smartest thing to do was to enter the nearest taxi to get to the bus station. All I can say is, I was screwed by Murpjy's Law again. I began running back towards the station in desperate hope of finding a taxi on the way. About 5 taxis went past me but all were occupied, "FUCK!" I ran about a quarter of the way when I saw someone get off a taxi by the side of the road. I sprinted towards that taxi and got in. I had 15 minutes left.

The route back was the part of Philadelphia I did not have a chance to see, so I sat back and enjoyed it. But not as much as I enjoyed being able to breathe normally again. I made it just in time to my friends who were nearly at the front of the queue. I explained what had happened and they were relieved I got back in time and happy I got a photo taken.

I did have to apologise for not bringing back the cheesesteak though.

Just the Beginning

2010-01-05T14:02:00.000Z

I don't know how many of you know about the TV series Dr. Who but it has a massive following here in the UK. During the Christmas and New Years day specials over 10 million people in the UK was watching the "death" of the Doctor. If you don't know about Dr. Who let me fill you in. The Doctor doesn't really "die", he regenerates which means his appearance, personality and ultimately his identity changes. So technically the Doctor dies but is reborn into someone completely different.

The thought of dying and being reborn has always fascinated me. I love the whole stories about the Phoenix burning up and a new Phoenix rises in ashes. I believe that there is something real in that. Not literal death and rebirth but a figurative one.

When something is at its end something new will start. When I graduated last year, my cousin was finishing his exams to enter uni and later this year my younger sis is leaving home to go to uni as well. It makes me proud when they both come to me for advice. Although I have gained many things since graduating I still think my life has not really started. I guess its true what they say nothing happens if you wait for it, you have to make something happen yourself.

I like to think that I am doing some regenerating myself. I need to shed the laziness inside of me and grow some diligence. Easier said than done but I am taking small steps into that.

The end is just the beginning.

Resolution

2010-01-04T21:16:00.002Z

As you may have noticed, I have not been around lately. I am sorry about that. I have no excuse really, I just haven't been wanting to blog about life. I haven't had the need for it, like I did a year ago. That being said I have decided to come back to blogging.

If I had to give a reason to why I have been away for so long is because my life is comfortable... too comfortable. It's like being in bed on one of those lazy days and you never want to leave the bed to do something. Well you can say my life has been something like that for the last 6 months. I am working for my parents and I am frequently visiting my girlfriend every month. I am content with life but I know this is only good for the short term. I know that I will grow miserable if I don't change the way I am living so I need to get back on the right track.

I have needed someone to pull me out of the metaphorical bed for quite some time now but I still haven't had it. So for the new year I have had a new resolution (one I hope I won't break) which is to kick start my life again and to be brave for the new chapter ahead.

General Misconceptions

2009-09-06T21:18:00.005+01:00

So the first stop of my adventure was the Big Apple a.k.a New York City. Before I arrived to this city I had a image in my head of what to expect. I assumed that the surroundings would be similar to London but bigger. What I mean by this is that the city would be over-crowded by rude and unhelpful people, needing to be wary of crime and what not. So imagine my surprise that New York was the exact opposite and one of my favourite cities I visited this summer.

We did most of the tourist spots, starting from Time Square. My friend fell in love with that place at first sight. I fell in love with the atmosphere there. It was similar to Hong Kong but much, much more spacious and you can actually take in what you are seeing. I loved the "Toys R Us" there as well with the ferris wheel inside and the different parts to that store. I felt like a 10 year old again and it was a great feeling. We also enjoyed some of our best meals there as well. Bubba Gumps, Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Cafe all do really decent food there.

Next up, the Empire State Building. Now I have a fear of heights, so when we decided to go to the very top of the Empire State building I was slightly shaking (especially with the 50 year old elevator operator playing around on the manual elevator!). But once I saw the views from the top I was so overwhelmed that I didn't think about the fear at all. I such a beautiful city and seeing the rectangular Central Park in the heart of such an urban surrounding it was very beautiful.

Learnt some interesting things as well as having fun in the Natural History Museum. We saw all the dinosaur bones and all the artifacts that were made famous by Night at the Museum. I also made a funny impression of a retarded raptor, which was an in joke for the rest of that week... goood times.

On the day we got to the Statue of Liberty, it was such a random day... weather wise. It was boiling hot when we got there and after an hour of looking around and taking pictures of Manhattan we noticed a massive black cloud moving towards us at a alarming rate. Those who have been to Liberty island will know that there really aren't that many places to hide from rain. So we were in the middle of the island with no umbrellas freezing in the pouring rain. When we got off the island however it was boiling hot again.

We enjoyed the fireworks on the 4th of July from the west side of Manhattan looking over the Hudson River. Although we missed a bit of it because we didn't know which part of the Hudson to look over. It was good but not as impressive as we had expected.

We also walked half of the Manhattan bridge and decided that it would be too tiring to walk all the way and then back again. That bridge is decptively big!

After spending a week in Manhattan, I felt that I was a part of the city and I loved every moment of that place.

More on NYC next time...

New Again

2009-09-03T20:58:00.003+01:00

I am back from my American adventure and the only way I can describe the last two months is by saying, "WOW!"

I have seen many things, tried new things and a lot has happened within the last two months and it would not do my trip justice by telling it all in one post, so I will spread it out and slowly tell you all about it.

WATCH THIS SPACE!!

Confidence

2009-07-16T13:58:00.003+01:00

Hey everybody! Sorry for the very late post. I am currently doing a lot of travelling in the US and loving every moment of it. I'll write more about my travels later but until then here is a story that changed my life.

It's funny how one moment in time can change everything. It's also funny how a little confidence boost can go a very long way. When I started university I was introverted. I would either befriend people who talked to me first or the people who were more introverted than me.

Living in a halls of residence with less than 250 people it is was quite easy to get to know everybody, that's if you wanted to and for me, I wanted to. Most of the people I acquainted myself with were people who loved their music. I would normally go out to rock nights, I'd go out with my group of friends and we would run into other groups of friends from the halls. Eventually it would turn into a big night out for all the rockers from the halls.

The university would organised 2 competitions on the rock nights that year. There was an air guitar contest and a "smash a guitar contest". The winner would be awarded an electric guitar and the audience would be the judges of the contestants. An aquaintance of mine, Jimmy entered the air guitar contest. He was a very outgoing person and he likes to do stupid things for a laugh. Consequently he won that competition and everybody from the halls who was at the rock night celebrated with him.
A few weeks later, I entered the smash a guitar contest with a few friends. I didn't think I would be picked as a finalist because there were only 3 places and it was picked at random. To my utter shock and surprise I was picked.

That night was more or less a haze for me. I only completely remember one moment before I was taken on stage for the competition. Jimmy came up to me and offered me some advice that I have never forgotten and I have taken it further than that night.

He said, "It's all about attitude, just do what I did last time, work the crowd and act like you own the place."

I went on stage we 2 other guys and we smashed our guitars (just a little bit). I followed Jimmy's advice, I acted like a rock star and worked the crowd (excessively, some might say) and it worked. The audienced loved it and I won. I got my new guitar and I celebrated with all the people from my halls.

Since that night I grew more confident, I had a more positive attitude and I acted like I owned the place. I made some good friends with people tht I would have probably avoided in high school.
If you don't have the confidence then replace it with attitude and humility. It is better make a fool of yourself than it is not being noticed ever in your life. If you do have the confidence to do something then do it with extra attitude but more importantly extra humility. Confidence is attractive to everyone.

Try it. It could change your life.

Tribute

2009-06-27T23:22:00.003+01:00

Apologies for the late post... consistently mixed feelings does not make a good blogger.

I would like everyone reading this to get themselves a drink(even if it is just water) and raise their glass/cup/mug.

Here is a toast...

To all the day-dreamers, who are either dreaming the dream or living it.

To all the travellers, who are seeing the world as it should be seen.

To all the adventurers, who are willing to try anything once.

To all the open-minded, who are not too stubborn to accept new ideas.

To all the kind-hearted. who are making someone else feel special every day.

To all the underdogs, who are constantly struggling the uphill battle but never giving up.

To all the optimists, who believe that tomorrow will always be a better day.

To all the hard-workers, who drive themselves to achieve the most difficult of goals.

To all the artists, writers and other creative people alike, who do what they do for pure enjoyment and inspiring others to do the same.

And last but not least...

To all the honest people, for being a class above the rest.

All is Well?

2009-06-16T23:20:00.004+01:00

"Dance like no one is watching. Love like you have never been hurt."
- Mark Twain

So after last week's little blip, things are starting to look slightly better. For the past week Sunday and I have been texting each other every night and its seems our relationship is finally showing some potential. (Before I carry on I would like to thank everyone's encouragement.) However there are still some things that worry me.

The main problem is timing and distance. We both live quite far away from each other and I have no time to see her before I leave for my American adventure. This would mean that the next time I can actually see her is in 2 and 1/2 months time.

On one hand it is something to look forward to after America. A relationship with the one girl I could never put out of my mind, something that I have wanted for so long. On the other hand though, the scenario seems almost deja vu like. Last time I had my hopes up like this and waiting for a month, I returned to find that Sunday found a new boyfriend. So I guess the thing I fear the most is that history is going to repeat itself. But the one saving grace this time is that I have done more to show my affection towards her and she seems to appreciate it.

"If I fall to sorrow, and find it hard to see to the end
Do I have the heart to go, and try it again?"
- Fall to Sorrow by The Rifles

Stuck on Repeat

2009-06-10T13:15:00.002+01:00

Just a rant...

I think I am starting to sound like a broken record now. No matter what I do, I just can't get out of the groove that I am stuck in. I'm still the confused, mixed up, unsure and hopeless romantic I was 8 months ago. The problem is that I know the cause but I just don't know what to do. If you are a regular reader you will probably know by now that I am of course talking about Sunday. The one person who can turn me into such a confused mess of a man.

Everytime I spend some time with her, it's like I never have enough. Everytime we have a serious moment, I have to leave because of other commitments. I don't know if it is the universe just messing with me or if it is a sign I should follow. Is there a second chance for us or am I just making the same mistakes again?

I don't why I am so hesitant around her when I have already (stupidly) poured my heart out to her. I don't know why I make things complicated when things are simple. I don't know why I make such stupid decisions when it involves her. And finally... I don't know why I didn't kiss her before I left.

Rant over.

Home

2009-06-04T12:24:00.002+01:00

Have you ever been away from something for so long that when you go back to it you don't recognise it?

When I left for university, I wanted to make it my personal task to visit my old school which I had spent 12 years of my life in. I have had so many good times and ever so many bad times there and I thought visiting that place every now and again would be a nice way to remember them.

I didn't realise that after a year there would be so many changes. My sister who goes to the same school didn't really think much of them, but I guess you usually won't notice it if you see it every day. Some of my favourite teachers were either retiring or retired, that is a depressing thing to see. Some of the teachers that taught me didn't recognise (or remember) me at all, that is even more depressing. The one thing that did cheer me up on my last visit (4 years after I have left) was that the the lunch lady that served me there when I was a student, not only remembered me but also gave me a free cup of tea.
I don't think I'll be going back to the school for anymore random visits. I realise that the times have changed and everything I thought I knew about the school are slowly becoming a memory.

When I left for uni I didn't just leave school I also left my home as well. I left my parents and my sister and my cousins who lived nearby. It wasn't a hard thing to do because it was something I wanted to do and everyone made it easier for me.
Although I have left my home in a physical sense, I have never been homesick in my life because I have always felt that home will never change as dramtically as my old school did. My parents won't change the way they are, my sister and cousin are changing all the time so nothing is different there. I guess I am very fortunate and lucky in that sense because in my heart I know what my home is and...

Home will always be home.

Puzzles

2009-05-30T22:48:00.003+01:00

I am a sucker for puzzles and mysteries.

One thing I learnt in my first year at uni was that all computer scientists likes puzzles. The harder the better, so being a computer scientist I am also obsessed with puzzles. If I start a puzzle, I have to see it to the end or as long as possible. Which is the reason why I normally stay away from flash games on the internet. If I read or watch a mystery story, I need to know how it ends because if I don't, my mind go into overdrive and I won't stop thinking about it.

The worst thing I have ever gotten a hold of, is a Rubik's cube. That is the one thing that requires a lot of effort for me to put it down and walk away. I have so far refused to look at the manual that teaches you how to solve it, mainly because I want to do it all by myself with no help at all. The major satisfaction I get from solving a puzzle is hard to explain. It starts off with total elation and then there is a thirst for more.

I get obsessed by these puzzles far too easily. I have gotten to the point where I can do a wordsearch in the newspaper in less than 5 minutes. My new obsession at the moment is a Where's Wally (or Where's Waldo if you're American) book I found. It is a smaller travel version that consists of every single book and because it is smaller it is slighlty harder. (Now I'll have something to do on the long travel journeys when I am in the U.S) It is slightly childish but it passes the time.

I have always tried to have the "never give up" attitude when it comes to life. Puzzles are a means of making a person think too hard and want to give up. But being a stubborn person, I need to prove to myself that there isn't a puzzle that I can't solve.

The Hangover

2009-05-27T03:19:00.006+01:00

(It's funny, but only when it happens to someone else!)

Here is an embarassing story about myself. Not more than a few hours after my parents dropped me off at uni for the first time, I made a complete tit of myself because my male ego failed to stop me from making stupid decisions. I am still trying my hardest to forget that night.

So my first night at the halls of residence, I had not met anyone who I could remember their name for more than 10 minutes. The hall's welcoming commitee had organised an event for that evening. The theme for that night was a pub crawl.. with a twist. A boy and a girl was to be tied together throughout the whole night walking from pub to pub. It sounded like fun but also scary as well because we had no idea what kind of person we would be tied to and I had no idea who anyone was.

I still can't decide if I had good luck or bad luck that night. The good news was that I was tied to an incredibly hot and outgoing girl. The bad news was that she was a hardcore drinker and we had to go drink for drink. At the time I was such a lightweight that the smallest hint of alcohol would get me tipsy but my ego didn't want to lose to a girl. This was a BAD MISTAKE!

When we got to the last pub, we were all untied and prior to that I had a few pints and began feelng the effects of it all. After much stumbling I managed to run outside and swiftly threw it all back up on the side of the street. I felt that at this point it would be best if I had gone back to the halls and call it a night.

The next day at breakfast I ran into the girl that I was tied to and she asked how I was feeling because she found out that I threw up. I was so embarassed about the whole thing that Ijust politely replied to say that I was fine and I began avoiding her for the rest of the year.

To this very day whenever I see this girl I always remember that night. This is still the worst hangover I have ever had!

(BTW that is actually me in the picture!)

Back to the Start

2009-05-24T02:29:00.004+01:00

For the first time in months I decided to re-read my first ever blog post. I have only just noticed the amount of grammatical errors in that one post. (edited now!) It is actually quite refreshing to read an old post because you get back into the mind set of when you wrote it at the time. I remember why I wrote it and how I felt writing it. At the time I felt like I was going to explode because I had a secret that nobody knew and I am genuinely crap at keeping my own secrets. I needed to vent my frustrations so I decided to blog.

Bieng new to the blogging game I was eager to get responses for my first post. The first comment I received was something I didn't expect. It wasn't a bad comment but I wouldn't say it was a particularly relevant comment either. Luckily the other responses were better. Seeing them reassured me of how I felt, which encouraged me to write more.

Reading my first post is almost like looking at an old photograph of myself when I was younger. I cringe at first and then I remember that, that was the start of something good.

Bonkers

2009-05-23T12:53:00.005+01:00

This might be too early to say, I might be wrong, but I reckon that this summer's anthem in England is going to be Dizzee Rascal's 'Bonkers'. Love him or hate him Dizzee Rascal makes good pop music, 'Dance Wiv Me' was probably my favourite song last summer.

Most people who are into their music, cringe when a band or artist moves into the "mainstream category". Dizzee Rascal who has split his audience is one of them but he was the first to make UK Hip Hop scene popular. If anything he has proved he is good at what he does and has paved the road for other Hip Hop artist in the UK. If he wants to try something else and sell more records then fair play to him.

I wouldn't consider this selling out though. Selling out is when someone makes all their decisions based on money and what the people will think of them. They lose the "I don't care what you think!" attitude they originally had and everything they do is part of an "image". Some of my favourite bands like Fall Out Boy, Coldplay, Lostprophets, Linkin Park have been accused of being sell outs but I just think they just tried something different (maybe they did sell out a little?). I personally don't think they have done a good job doing it (with exception the of Lostprophets) but at least they tried.

Another thing I hate is when a band is hated because they have become popular. A key example would be Kings of Leon. I loved their old stuff and I love the new stuff as well. The music has not changed much quality wise because it is all good. They have changed their appearance and for some reason people don't like that.

Since when was music all about looks?
Since when was making music that appealed to the masses a bad thing?
Since when was doing something different deemed as selling out?

It all seems 'Bonkers' to me!

Be Warned

2009-05-21T01:27:00.005+01:00

This is an idea I kind of stole from a clever blogger named Jaime at her blog. (What can I say I can't be original all the time!)

So here is a list of what to expect from me for 'The One'.

I will:

judge your music tastes
make fun of you
tell you that you are beautiful the way you are
be a slob unless shouted at
hang out with friends both male and female
more than likely forget your birthday at some point (I am genuinely terrible at remembering dates!)
have my off days and want to be alone
put a lot of time and effort on video games
be geeky and make references you probably won't get
apologise
protect you
listen
give you massages
watch a football match rather than spend some time with you (it doesn't mean I love you any less, it just means I love football more for the next 2 hours)
respect your decisions
let you know the girls I think are pretty if you tell me who the guys you think are hot

I won't:

say "I love you" unless I mean it
be obsessive
be serious and uptight unless I need to be
stop trying
change who you want me to be

And finally...

I will write about you in this blog!

Pretty Fly for a Shy Guy

2009-05-19T22:29:00.008+01:00

Some of my friends won't believe this but I am actually a shy person. I have tried with maximum effort to come out of my shell so far but there is still a leg and an arm that is still stuck. I like to think I am an extrovert trapped in an introvert's body and maybe one day he'll make the great escape.

I am generally a very confident person and I am a natural clown but the trouble is it takes time for me to get into that comfort zone when I am around people I don't know. I am a person who hates starting a conversation with someone I don't know. I am not really a person who is good at small talk. I do try it but it always tends to fall a little short if you know what I mean... and then the awkward silence creeps in.

Almost all the friends I have made in the past 4 years have either been friends of friends, people I have met in a situation where I have had to talk to them or just people who are really outgoing and they ease me out of my shell. I swear that these are probably the only ways I'll meet the one.

The only times I have hit it off with people outside of those conditions are the times when I was drunk, on a sugar rush and in a really good mood. Which isn't always the best method of meeting people by the way.(They tend to think you are a bit weird!)

Sometimes I want to meet the shy version of me and punch him in the face.

Leave before...

2009-05-15T13:14:00.008+01:00

This is (probably) my favourite music video of all time.

I thought these type of girls didn't exist, but that was until I met Carly. To be fair, she really wasn't that crazy. She was just a little too desperate.

I met Carly through my friend, Lily. They worked at the same place and one night we all went bowling together. My impression of Carly was that she seemed like the shy type. She never really had much to say and was almost always very quiet. That night we never really spoke and when I left, I felt we were more strangers than acquaintances.

Our second meeting would the one that I'd probably remember for a long time. It was a friends farewell party and Lily invited Carly. Lily was late and since I was the only person Carly knew at the party I kept her company and we just talked. Eventually Lily arrived and I went off to mingle with some other friends. About half an hour later Lily drags me to one side and asks me what I think about Carly. I was slightly puzzled but because I knew Lily really well I knew where this conversation was leading to. Apparently Carly liked me and Lily wanted me to keep her company, at this point I didn't really like Carly in that kind of way because I really didn't know her that well but I thought I'd give Carly a chance because it's not everyday a girl tells me that she likes me. I spent most of that night talking to her, now before I carry on I just want to say this, we were both sober that night because we were both driving so I put this down to bad judgement because I probably could of seen the signs that something was a little off about her. Whilst we were outside getting some air, she kissed me. I was surprised and I won't deny it, I kissed her back. She caught me off guard and I didn't have any reason to reject her so I thought why not. For the rest of the night we carried on kissing every now and again.

Now here comes the craziness. Towards the end of the night she kept calling me her boyfriend and had these long term plans for us. What made it worse was she was telling Lily as well. I can't describe the shocked and surprised look Lily and I had. I have heard of people rushing into a relationship but this was ridiculous. I had only met her twice and spoken to her for a little more than 3 hours. I walked her to her car and we said our goodbyes. Lily later apologised for urging me to go for Carly. She didn't know how crazy she was.

Carly text me the following day and asked if I wanted to hang out with her. I text her back that I didn't really want to be in a relationship. She didn't text back.
About an hour later Lily calls and says that she got a text from Carly saying, "So I guess you know that Me and Faker broke up!"
Lily then said to me, "I didn't know you were dating!"
I replied, "Neither did I!"

As much as I like girls being forward about their feelings there are some things you should hold back and not express. There is such a thing as too much information. Also don't call someone who you barely know your boyfriend/girlfriend. That's just creepy!

So.. I guess I'll leave before the craziness gets serious!

Que Sera Sera (Part II)

2009-05-09T00:16:00.005+01:00

A month passed and still no contact from Sunday, I thought to myself that I would probably not hear from her for a long time or maybe ever again. I spent that month getting my head straight and just focusing on anything but her and during that month I was ready to let her go and move on. I had this great adventure to look forward to and great friends who I knew were there if I needed them. Whenever I did think of Sunday I would just remind myself, "Whatever will be, will be" I can't take back what I have said so I'll just wait and see what happens.

The universe always has a way of creeping up on you. I check my inbox everyday and I get nothing. I leave it for a few weeks and I get Sunday's reply, just sitting there in my inbox waiting to be read. I thought I would have been happy seeing a reply but all I wanted to do was not read it. I have always said a definitive answer is always better than no answer at all but when you aren't sure if you are getting the answer you wanted, it is scary. After a few seconds of debating the idea I finally read her email.

She told me that since my email she has been trying to think of a way for us to have the right kind of relationship. She wrote that she still feels guilty that she lied to me and that even though I had forgiven her she still can't forgive herself. She also wrote that she enjoys spending time with me and wishes that we could go back in time to the good times we had in her room and just stop time there. She hoped that we could have a face to face conversation the next time I was in town.

I am still unsure what the "right kind of relationship" for us is. I don't know if its just friends, good friends or something more. I tried not to read too much into the email because that would probably make me think too much and drive me to do something stupid again. I managed to avoid the whole issue for a few weeks because I was busy at home working, but when my workload decreased, my friends from uni wanted me to go visit them. Going to see them also gave me the option to go see Sunday.

I went to visit my friends a few days ago and I called Sunday. I questioned myself if I was ready to see her or not. Either way I felt I had to do it and that avoiding her is not an option. (Un)fortunately she was piled under a lot of essays and that there was no time to see me and get them all done on time. I felt slightly relieved because I didn't think I was ready to see her yet. I told her that I would be in town again in a few weeks time and that I'll see her then.

I am not sure what the future holds for me and Sunday and I am not expecting anything to happen between the two of us. But as the old song goes:

Que sera sera, Whatever will be, will be,
The future's not ours to see,
Que sera sera.

Que Sera Sera (Part I)

2009-05-08T00:47:00.003+01:00

A couple months I did a thing that I consider foolish, brave, good and bad. I sent an e-mail to Sunday (see Remembering Sunday and Knowing when to walk away..) and told her that I still like her. (Wait I am getting ahead of myself. Let me explain...)

It is the little things that happens in our life that has an influence on us and changes the way we act. I believe in destiny but in an unconventional way. I believe that everyone is destined to affect the world in some way. It may be good, it may be bad or it may be both. It just depends on the point of view.

So this is my point of view.

I originally started this blog because someone told me it was therapeutic to write about the things that were constantly on my mind. It was more a random impulsive thing than a well thought out decision to start a blog. After writing a few of my thoughts I got feedback from other bloggers who made me realise a few things.

One particular comment that stands out at this moment is from the U:

"Have you told her "that she hurt you"? If you haven't, Why Not? And if you have told her, is it so difficult to let go of the pain, and remember the things about her that you love?"

I didn't think much of it at the time but after reading it again now, I am actually quite shocked that the comment I received months ago have actually stuck with me without me realising it.

A couple weeks before sending the e-mail expressing my feelings, I met up with Sunday to catch up. It was the first time I saw her in 4 months. I had spoken to her online a lot of times but when I saw her I felt awkward around her. It was the first time I have felt really awkward around her since the original incident.

Due to the economic crisis and me needing to save up money for America in the summer I have been really bored over the past few months. When I get bored I think too much and at the time one of the main topics that crossed my mind was the awkwardness during the last meeting with Sunday. When I think too much I have trouble sleeping because my mind goes into paranoia mode and I get weird dreams.
The night before I sent the e-mail I had one of these weird dreams. I don't remember it exactly (like most of my dreams) but I remember that I hated Sunday for not telling me how she felt about me and when I woke up I realised that I never told her how I felt about her.

I was half awake at the time, my head couldn't think straight due to the lack of sleep and I just had a sudden urge to write an e-mail to Sunday and pouring my heart out to her. I wrote it, sent it and went back to bed. I woke up and all I could think in my head was "WHAT DID I DO?!"

I was embarassed and scared but also relieved because now it was out in the open and it was out of my hands. I was expecting a response but I didn't know what kind of response I would get. I would have been content if I never heard from her again and for the following month I didn't get a response. I thought to myself that this must be her answer.

She then sent me her reply...

(To be continued..)

99 problems

2009-05-02T01:39:00.003+01:00

If you got girl problems I feel bad for you son.. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one...

Never in my life have I felt that this Jay-Z lyric would actually apply to me in any way. That is until I started to do (or try to do) some major planning for a two month trip in the U.S.

First we have the economic crisis. Not only did this decrease the amount of fellow travellers who originally intended to come with us, the British pound has weakened a lot compared to the U.S dollar and everything is more expensive that originally thought.

Then we have the trouble of sorting out where to go and workout a rough idea of how long we stay in each place. We don't want to stay too long at each place but we don't want to rush either. We needed to learn the geography of America so that we can rule off places that are just too far away.

Trying to sort out a holiday with two other people who you cannot physically speak to face to face, is annoying to say the least. Something that can be sorted in one sitting takes at least 6 phones calls that lasts for about an hour each.

Finding the best accomodation and ways of travelling from state to state has been a bit stressful as well. Trying to balance that with the budget also makes it that extra bit stressful as well. I tried to make a rough estimate of how much we will spend on accomodation and travel on the east coast.... a third of our budget! (bad times me thinks..)

And finally to top it off... Swine flu!

I will do my tempting fate thing and say this... "Surely it can only get better?"

Okay rant over. (Who needs a girlfriend when you can book a holiday instead!)

Time To Shake Things Up

2009-04-24T22:53:00.002+01:00

Sorry for the belated post. My internet connection has been on the fritz for the last couple weeks and trying to fix it took more effort than I originally thought. I am now back online *fingers crossed* and I have got blogs to catch up on and blogs to update! So much to do!! -_-"

So I think this is going to be the last of the One Tree Hill tribute posts because I am running out of ideas. (It is a slightly shallow show to be honest) Anyways...

Whenever something good happens in One Tree Hill. There is always that one thing or person that disturbs the peace, everything changes and all hell breaks loose. Whether it's a feisty vixen entering the frame and testing a man's fidelity to his wife or a man kills his brother and places the blame on a bullied kid who had commited suicide.

Now I know it's TV and that if a story is consistently peaceful then its a consistently boring story, but that is life. People dream of world peace but I can only imagine a world where there are no wars. Before you start thinking that they are same thing, technically they aren't. World peace is a world with no conflict and I find that to be a hard concept to perceive. I think it is because that I have learnt to challenge authority and know that what I have been told to do is not always right. Without conflict life would seem to be very mechanical and motion less.

Recently I have found myself living in routine and beingfar too comfortable in my comfort zone. I need to change something in my life to shake things up. Maybe not to the extremes of what happens on TV but something just to make life seem more like living and less like waiting to die. There should be a contrast to remind us that life isn't boring. Change can be good and it can be bad but being in the unknown is always better than knowing where you are and wondering...

What if?

Real Mature

2009-04-13T20:27:00.002+01:00

My favourite character from One Tree Hill is Nathan. Originally he was the main antagonist, the jock that bullied the unpopular kids, the boyfriend that cheated on his girlfriend and a guy that could get away with murder. Then due to lots of different circumstances he becomes the one guy in the whole series who has matured the most as a character and as a person. In fact if you watch the current season and compare him to the first season, you won't believe that the loving family man is the same person as that moron in the first season.

If a person is willing to change themselves to be less of a douchebag, then I for one will give taht person the benefit of the doubt. A sign of maturity is when you become the person that doesn't have fun at other people's expense and you can care for others around you. The one problem is nobody can click their fingers and 'be mature' it's not a straightforward or easy process. It takes time to change bad attitudes, habits and learn to consider other people. Especially if you have never tried it before. So like I said, if they are willing to change, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am a very mature person. I make a lot of stupid mistakes. I am still learning, maturing but I am trying to be mature without losing touch of my youth. It's hard to balance growing up and staying young. The one thing I don't want is to turn into a cynical man that is always pessimistic. There is a quote that I once heard, I can't remember who it is by though, "The moment you know you are old is the moment you lose all your optimism." So in that sense I never want to be old. I don't want to be a person that doesn't want to believe in people.

I bet there are some people who are reading this and thinking "what an idiot!" but that is how I feel and I don't want it to change.

Those Who We Forget

2009-04-09T22:19:00.003+01:00

In the 3rd season of One Tree Hill there is a major story arc about a character named Jimmy who appeared in the pilot episode and then reappears 3 seasons later. He was a good friend of the main character Lucas but as he explains they just grew apart. Lucas became the popular kid and Jimmy was the bullied loner.

I have written before about finding the time for current friends so that they won't become the friends you forget. (see Find the Time) But if you do grow apart with a close friend, I think that it is an awful shame. In situations like these, there is no one to blame because it is one of those things that just happens. I often think about the good times I have had and sometimes I feel sadness, frustration and annoyance when I think of a friend I used to hang out with but I can't either recall their name or picture their face. I try to avoid this happening again (thank you Facebook) but it's still hard. There is only so much you can say to someone you haven't spoken to in years.

When I look in my high school yearbook, there is a section of all the teachers that have taught us and all the students that were in our year. Reading some of those names makes me feel nostalgic because some names gave me some good memories but some left some bad ones. I feel the really bad when I see a name and there are no memories of that person. As if they didn't exist. It's not like there were that many people in our year (around 90) and at some point you get to meet everyone. So I am bewildered at the fact that I can't remember some people yet my friends can.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and re-do most of my life. Mainly because I have done lots of stupid things over the years but also to take more notice of the people around me and be a friend to those who I have forgotten.

For the Love of the Game

2009-04-03T23:31:00.004+01:00

The original premise of One Tree hill is the concept of 2 half brothers who hate each other, both are naturally talented basketball players. One is a high school basketball star named Nathan, who has been pressured into being the player he is by his father. The other is a "Regular Joe" named Lucas, who enjoys playing basketball at the park with his friends and has had to live with the stigma of being the unwanted child. He is eventually persuaded into joining the school team and he gets bullied by Nathan and his friends. During this time, Lucas asks himself this question, "Is it all worth it?" and he eventually realises that the answer was yes, for the people around him and for the love of the game.

Now I enjoy basketball but I don't love it. However I can relate to Lucas though. When I was in high school, I loved playing football. The only reason I got excited about going to school everyday was because I could play football with my friends during our lunch breaks. I was never the best at the sport but it didn't matter because we all loved the game and we all played our hearts out.
I went to a school which didn't really like football, mainly because it was primarily a rugby school and there has been a rivalry between the two sports. Although some rugby players joined in with our lunchtime football matches, there would be some other who would purposely ruin our game by stealing the ball or kicking the ball into the woods. Depending on the teacher, some would simply ignore our pleas for stopping the bullies because we weren't supposed to play football anyway.

If I had to remember the good moments whilst we were playing the game back then, I wouldn't really be able to. They are actually harder to remember than the bad moments but thats because the good times outweigh the bad by a big margin. Back then we weren't playing for trophies or reputations, we didn't care about social status, we didn't care what the bullies or the teachers thought, we were playing for the fun of the game and we were playing in that moment where we can just forget about everything else and enjoy the game.

I loved every second of it.

The Heart Wants...

2009-04-02T14:09:00.004+01:00

One recurring theme of 'One Tree Hill' is that a character will chase for their heart's desires despite knowing that they will hurt someone's feelings trying to get it. "The heart wants what it wants" which means you can't stop wanting something even if you know you shouldn't. Here is an example, in the show, a character has a choice of being with their lover or deeply upsetting their best friend. What would you do?

In business or economic terms this is called the opportunity cost. It happens everyday but on different levels of importance. Life isn't always so simple. At some point you will have to make a choice between something or someone you love. You will probably choose the one that you would desire most and in doing so it means you will probably lose out on the other.

I remember when I was a little kid my parents asked me if they split up who would I choose to be with. (Child abuse alert!) I would always say that I wouldn't choose. Normally no one thinks about these kind of choices until you reach that point. It's like saying who would you save from drowning in the sea your son or your daughter. It's a possible situation but an impossible decision which has to be made. When you make it, there is no right or wrong. Just what the heart desires at that exact moment.

When following what your heart desires the one question that your head will ask is, "Is it worth the sacrifice?" and only your heart can answer.

Apologies

2009-04-01T02:19:00.004+01:00

I realised a recurring theme on 'One Tree Hill' there are a lot of wrong doings, which means there are also a lot of apologies. Some of them are genuinely heartfelt and others are said more or less like a passing phrase.

"I'm sorry" is something we say a lot in our lives. Nobody's perfect and everyone makes mistakes, so its only natural to apologise for our mistakes, right? Not always the case.

It would be "perfect" if everyone knew when they were wrong or if they even knew they made a mistake in the first place. So if sorry is something to say just for the sake of making it less awkward or saying it without remorse then it's not a real apology. I'm not talking about small things like bumping into someone on the street because we tend to forget it even happens. What I mean is saying "sorry" for doing something and then doing the same exact thing straight afterwards.
I suppose it also works the other way, if there is regret and remorse yet refusing to apologise to the person you have wronged, it is just as bad. Whether it's being stubborn, putting principle or ego ahead of admitting to being wrong. It's not the right attitude to have but everyone will go through it at some point of their lives, I know I have.

I guess one of the downsides of not apologising is that peoples feelings will get hurt, relationships will probably crumble and worst of all, the same mistakes are made and history repeats itself. Although the same mistakes can still be made even if we apologise, the good thing is knowing our mistakes and having the attitude to do right next time will greatly decrease the chances of making the same mistakes again.

One thing I have not yet worked out though is, how can you tell if an apology is genuine or fake? Unless you know how to spot lies, it is very hard to know. Maybe it is down to trust. If you accept an apology then you have to trust them that they are genuine.

All this is my ideal thinking and everything I said is easier said than done. I am a bit of a hypocrite I suppose because I have thought these things but I have done the opposite. But like I said, nobody's perfect.

The Cult

2009-04-01T00:06:00.001+01:00

Last year I lived in a house with 6 friends. Including myself, there were 3 guys and 4 girls. It was pretty crazy in that house. I loved it very much.
As you can imagine, 7 students living with one another can be pretty hectic. We all had different schedules and timetables and being in our final year it was hard to have all 7 of us in the same room at the same time. Thinking back now, I don't actually remember us all being together at the same time at all in the first semester. It wasn't anybody's fault, we all had our lives going on at the same time and we were all just busy.

During the second semester me and my housemate Dan would finish our lectures around 1 o'clock everyday. When we got back to our house, we would make some lunch and watch whatever was on TV and that was how it all started.

We began watching a TV series called "One Tree Hill." mainly because nothing else was on at that time on a weekday. We started watching it from the 6th or 7th episode of the first season. I knew roughly what the show was about because a friend wanted me to watch it ages ago, but I never got into it because it was more or less a girl's chick flick TV series and it really didn't interest me. When I watched a few episodes, I found it to be cheesy but compelling to watch. So we started watching it everyday after we got back. Our other housemates who'd either just got back from uni, grabbing lunch or just woken up would sometimes sit in the living room and watch it with us.
Eventually the show gripped us all and most of us became addicted to it. I remember at one point my housemate Deb decided to skip lectures just to watch it. It was funny at the time because we didn't know we would be like this over a cheesy TV show. But then after the second series was shown on TV, they stopped showing it. Our afternoons weren't as fun anymore. After a week of missing 'One Tree Hill' I acquired the season 3 and 4 and we carried on watching it, but instead of watching an episode a day we watch 3 or 4 a day.

It was around this time last year, I witnessed every member of our house being in the same room, watching the same cheesy show and enjoying ourselves as housemates at the same time. We had heated discussions about the characters, we tried to predict what would happen next and we started to quote the lines an actions from the show. I admit it's a little bit sad but I wouldn't swap that for anything.

I still love the fact that this all started as a little thing that was meant to pass the time during lunch and it became so much more. When we moved into that house we were friends and when I remember us all sitting together in the living room in front of the TV, snuggling in our blankets and duvets, it really felt like we were family. So over the next month I am going to dedicate my posts to 'One Tree Hill.' (Don't worry, I won't be writing about the show, just mainly the themes.)

P.S. If you are a fan of 'One Tree Hill' then the following reference you will definitely get. During season 3 our house was split into to two sides because we had a difference in opinions. The guys were on "Team Peyton" and the girls were on "Team Brooke." It was so fun because we would walk up to each other and sometimes shout randomly in the house "Team Peyton" or "Team Brooke" at each other and try and convince each other to swap sides. So if you are a fan leave a comment an tell me what team you were on.
(Also you would probably have guessed that the names Deb and Dan aren't really my friends names!)

Nice guys...

2009-03-27T01:42:00.003Z

"Nice guys finish last."

Now we all know its true, no matter how much we deny it. I have finished last so many times I have lost count.(yes, I am saying I am a genuine nice guy) It is because so-called bad guys no how to seek and seize an opportunity when presented to them and not caring if they step on toes. Where as the 'nice' guys watches where they go and hope for the best. Now this isn't meant to discourage you from being a 'nice' person but its a fact.

BUT

Consider this, if looking out for number one and fulfilling your ambition is more important than anyone you care about or what type of person you need to be instead of the person you are. Then you can stop reading.
If not, here's a little history lesson for you.

During the 'Three kingdoms period' in China there were 3 powerful warlords. I will mention 2 of them.
First we have, Cao Cao who is known in history as a tyrant and an expert in strategy and combat. He was cunning, deceitful and treacherous. His reputation was more or less a very evil man. He had ruled over the lands based on fear and his own army feared him.
Then we have, Liu Bei who is known as the virtuous leader. He (almost) always put the people's interest ahead of himself and his family. He didn't have the big number of soldiers that Cao Cao had to command but he was still a force to be reckoned with. Mainly because he had people who would die for him. To this day he is honoured and worshipped as a patron in China.

Now I wish I could tell you that in the end the good guys won but they didn't. (Both warlords died before either side won) What did happen though is that Cao Cao is forever known as a evil tyrant and Liu Bei as a virtuous leader.

Being nice isn't just finishing last. Its about building a good reputation for yourself and having people to support you when you need it. Being remembered as the person that people can count on in times of need. You have less chance of people stabbing your back because you have others watching it. So next time you hear, "Nice guys finish last." Just remember...

Life is not a race.

Comeback King

2009-03-22T21:00:00.002Z

It's quite funny how you can be the an absolute no-hoper one second and become the ultimate underdog, chasing for the title in the next. If there is a chance of achieving something, no matter how small or how many people around you saying that you are wasting your time. Never give up.

If you never give up a dream, there is always a possibilty of achieving it. I remember going through my final year of sixth form. I was predicted the grades that would never get me into a decent university, but I kept trying. Did I get the grades to get into a decent university? no. Did I give up? no.
The day I got my results I felt gutted. It was around 12:00pm when we got home from getting the results. The first thing I did was phone my first choice university to see if I could get in through clearing. (Basically to see if I can get in just to fill the spaces.) When I got through to the university, the person on the other end of the phone said it was too early to tell, it would be better to call the next day. Instead of taking her advice I knew I needed to be tenacious. I called every 30 minutes until I got a definitive answer. My mother told me to look at other universities, but I was adamant and I didn't back down. It was around 7:30pm when I finally got my answer. I was allowed in but I had to do an extra foundation year. It wasn't the best answer but it was a positive one and also a big relief.
Since then I have now graduated and I feel like I have grown a lot more as a person. Not just because I went to university but because of going through life as a constant underdog. I have never been the best at anything but what I lack in skill, I make up in heart and effort. I don't claim to be the hardest working person in the world because I wouldn't have gotten bad grades if I was, but when I need to work that is all I'll do, I work.

I went to Universal Studios in Florida one summer when I was a kid. There was one attraction which I remember the most. It was called the 'Time Machine'. It was a 360 degrees cinema where you can watch the the movie from all angles. I don't remember all of it but I do remember one specific scene from it. There was a person telling H.G Wells that his stories are great they but are nothing more than stories. He said that things like 'time travel' and 'flying to the moon' was impossible. Then H. G. Wells just cheerfully replies, "Improbable, not impossible."

The best feeling in the world is not when you achieve something but it is when you achieve something against all odds. Having the last laugh and proving your critics wrong. As long as you keep moving forward and never sway from your belief, don't get discouraged and don't stop living for your dream. When everything is upside down, it only takes a moment in time to bring it back round, to make a comeback.

Auto-Pilot

2009-03-20T16:07:00.008Z

One thing that always manages to cheer me up or puts me in a good mood and replenish my optimistic view on life, is a nice sunny day's drive. The perfect scenario would be, the sun is out shining, the radio is playing the songs that fit the mood and I am driving the only car on the long country road. Days like these doesn't come often for me but when they do I absolutely love them. But there is something about the drive that I can't decide if it is either a wonderful or a dangerous thing yet.

After driving a fair amount of distance, I realise something and I ask myself one question, 'How did I get here?'

While I was feeling completely relaxed, taking in the music or the DJ's discussions, the calming scenery and the not needing to worry about any other vehicles around me. I wasn't fully concentrating on the road and everything I was doing was just automatic responses. The amazing thing is that, I still manage to be on the correct route and I have managed to go through complicated roads with small little bends and dips in the road (which leaves me even more puzzled to how I actually did it without fully concetrating). This is what some people refer to having your brain on "auto-pilot". (Who said guys can't multi-task?)
I don't know what it is exactly and why it happens, but I do know that when I get to that point when I ask myself, 'How did I get here?'. For a split second my thoughts and my worries that I was thinking up to that point, are either gone or solved. During that split second I get a moment of clarity.

I guess this applies to me when it comes to my life.

It is a self known fact that I think too much and whilst I am thinking about anything and everything, my mind often goes into "auto-pilot". I'll go through life, going with the flow, just taking in the sights and sounds. I will breeze through the little worries no matter how complicated they seem as if they are not there, but I won't be fully concentrating on the future and I won't worry about what I should be doing with my life. Until I get to that 'How did I get here?' moment.

That moment will solve the problem that I have had in my heart and I can have that moment of happiness and clarity. I can then move on and focus on my future...

Well that's until my next problem arises and then I go back to "auto-pilot" mode!

Already?

2009-03-19T03:06:00.007Z

Oh how time flies! It only feels like a week ago since I first set up this blog, but the reality kicks in and... I have been blogging for... really? Six months! That's half a year of something I thought I'd only do for a few weeks.

I remember at the start, I was scratching my head about choosing an appropriate username for this account. After much contemplation and looking around my room, I saw a recently purchased graphic novel on my shelf, (can you guess what the title of it was?) "Faker". I thought about using this name "Faker" long and hard before committing to the name. I thought about the meaning I wanted for it and then finally decided to use it for the reasons I have stated on my profile. The truth is I have a lot to hide and at the time I had so much on my mind that I wanted to tell someone or just express my feelings but at the same time I didn't want to tell anyone I knew. So because of that, you are either blessed or cursed with my presence.(hopefully not the latter!) I have to admit however I am only a semi-Faker now because I have told a good friend about this blog and I am really happy I did! (you know who you are!)

I still can't believe its been six months. Over this time I have covered my almost relationships, my great friendships and my school boy crushes. As well as writing about myself, my philosophies, my past experiences whether it was a big turning point in my life or an insignificant event that gave me a new found perspective. But the most accommodating thing about blogging during this time is that I have found the support and the sense of community of fellow bloggers absolutely marvellous. It's like my blog is a house in a big neighbourhood and around my house are my neighbours and their houses. All the houses are open for anyone who wants to visit and if you do visit you get to know more about your neighbour.

So I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this blog and a huge 'Thank You' to everyone who has left a comment and followed my blog. You are all appreciated!

I have to give a special thanks to some bloggers who have provided me inspiration, support and being the friend I'll probably never meet.

First of all, there has only been one person who I can remember who has been here since the start and that person is underOvr aka U. He is the blogger I respect the most and a true blogging brother. If you haven't been to U's blog go there now!
underOvr's blog

Next I thank The Drifter and bobbyd1536 who's personal poems and inspirational quotes have touched me and make me think as well.
Drifter's blog
bobbyd1536's blog

I'd liked to thank MilesPerHour, Housewife, Morgan and Christine who have entertained me with their day to day stories.
MilesPerHour's blog
Housewife's blog
Morgan's blog
Christine's blog

I also want to give a huge thanks to Michael, Alpha ButtonPusher and Shania for sharing their views and leaving comments. They are always appreciated and I would like to apologise for not doing the same more often.
Michael's blog
Alpha ButtonPusher's blog
Shania's blog

You are all my neighbours and I'd like to finish off by quoting my favourite song title of all time...

'Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends'

Hate

2009-03-18T14:01:00.003Z

I heard this saying a while back, "Hating is easy. Loving is hard." Most people might agree with this but I have to disagree. Hate is such a strong word that I don't often use seriously enough.
If you have ever tried to really "Hate" someone it's actually really hard. You get restricted to saying things or not saying things about this person. The restriction doesn't stop there, you have to choose how you feel about the people around this person. If there is a reason for the hatred you have to remind yourself why you hate this person and that normally reminds you of a upsetting time.

That being said however I do "Hate" people who hates someone or something with no good reason. The best example I can think of is racism. If things are said or done in jest then I get the joke but if its real hatred and disgust for a race then its something I really hate. There is no reason to hate an entire race and there is no reason to hate someone you don't know.

One of the things my physics teacher taught me back in high school was never to cast an opinion on something or someone you don't know. I hold that advice dear to my heart. If you cast an opinion on something you don't know then that opinion will cloud your judgement on any future opinion because no one likes to admit they are wrong.

I don't have any single person I truly hate in this world, I might strongly dislike some people but I would need to know them a whole lot more to truly despise them. So in my point of view, I think that "Hate is hard. Loving is harder."

Distracted

2009-03-16T22:30:00.002Z

Here is a fact about myself, I am a very bad reader. I am not dyslexic nor do I suffer from bad literacy skills (well not all the time) but I do have a really bad habit whilst reading a book. I tend to read the same line/paragraph/page from a book, because after reading it I realise that I had not actually taken anything that I had read in. My imagination can often lead me away from the story and my mind will wander off somewhere else. I normally take a few weeks to finish a book, maybe a few months, but only if the book is really good and really long. The only way I have been able to finish a story in less time is if I was reading a graphic novel (if you're technical) or comic book (if you're not), mainly because my mind uses less imagination and more focus on the story.

At the moment I am reading a book called "A Study in Scarlet", which is the first story in the many stories of Sherlock Holmes. It has been a week and I have only gotten half way and its not even a thick book. I read a bit of it today and at the moment, I am still not entirely sure how my imagination lead me from the description of a group of Mormons establishing life in the west to my crazy night on new year's eve in Hong Kong.
What I am trying to say is, sometimes my often over-active imagination takes me to nonsensical places. It isn't all bad though because I have often thought of some good ideas for a story whilst reading and on occasion I have been inspired enough to start writing.

My imagination distracts me from the story in front of me by relaying another story in my mind. However I do wish the story in my mind was more coherent.

Is it just me or does anyone else do this?

Hook

2009-03-13T13:15:00.003Z

A few months ago I wrote a post called "Peter Pan". It was mainly about nostalgia and how we feel when we remember the great things we enjoyed when we were a kid. Now I am going to write about the great things we forgot about.

Me and a few friends randomly decided to watch the film "Hook" one night. I used to watch that film every night when I was a kid, but just like Robin William's Peter Pan, it's easy to forget. Even though it was a big part of me as a child I forgot the little details, the sub-plots and all the things I used to love about the film. As a matter of fact I was quite reluctant to watch the film at first, had it not been for my friend's insistence and my laziness to move off the couch, I would have not watched it. After watching the film, it really felt like I was a kid again. I felt like Robin Williams in the film and I wanted to jump about and let my imagination go wild, but it was 4 in the morning and my body stopped me from doing so.

Its easy to put away the childish side of yourself, but the important thing is not to lose it. Putting it away means you can get it back out again and re-discover all the great things you knew was there but had long forgotten.

So don't be a grumpy grown up and be one of the happy kids, whether your 5 or 65, it doesn't matter.

The Adventure

2009-03-09T22:41:00.003Z

This summer I am embarking on an adventure that excites and scares me at the same time. Me and a couple of my friends have decided to cross the Atlantic and go to the United States for 2 months of travel. Its going to be something that is absolutely awesome or something that is painstakingly hard to do, but either way it is an experience of a lifetime.

This idea all started about a year ago, it was a suggestion from my housemate Jim. He asked a few of us in the house if we fancied doing a trip around America with him. We would start saving money after graduation and just travel around there sor the summer. Naturally the idea sounded like a brilliant one but I did have my doubt of it actually happening.
Fast forward a few months and unemployment being higher for everyone especially for new graduates, saving up money is more difficult than first anticipated. Jim was the first to pull out of his own idea. The girls however were still completely up for it and so was I.
After weeks of discussions, we had a rough idea of all the places we wanted to go to and a rough estimation of how much money we needed. Then I heard the news that Jane didn't think she could afford the trip. So we had another person who wasn't able to afford this trip.
Now it was just Karen, Deb and I left. We were still adamant about going and no human force was going to change our minds. After another few weeks we finally booked our plane tickets and there is no backing out now.

I am slightly worried now about being the only guy because the over-protective brotherly side of me will probably go into overdrive when we get there. Plus the annoying thing of trying to raise enough money to have a good time over there. Despite these worries though I am going to stay positive and just let it all pan out until something goes wrong (it's Murphy's Law, so why worry about it).

There is still a lot to plan and a lot to take into account, but there is a lot of excitement and a small fear lurking in the background. Although I guess its all part of the adventure.

Shuffle

2009-03-06T13:21:00.002Z

I normally make playlists and listen to the songs on there but I get bored of the songs really fast. So I am starting to love the shuffle function on my mp3 player again. The great thing is that I discover or re-discover songs that I like. So sometimes it's good to mix things up.

One of the qualities I love about some of my friends, is their complete randomness. Its either something they say or something they do, but either way its a good time. Whether its planned or spontaneous, if it's random and different then it's worth a try. So here are 2 tales of randomness that resulted in endless laughter.

At the start of my first summer at uni, my friends found an old grill that belonged to the halls and randomly decided to have a barbecue in the back garden of the halls. The weather was perfect for it, the sun was shining and not a cloud in sight. (Yes, we do have those days in England!) What we all thought was a good idea originally turned out to be a night that was hard to forget because when we finished all the food and booze, the sun was going down and people were thinking of returning to their rooms. That was until someone randomly decided to make a bonfire and buy some marshmallows and more booze. The sober went to buy the booze and marshmallows while the drunk were left to look for fire wood as quickly as possible before it was completely dark. A lot of drunken fun was then followed after. The barbecue/bonfire lasted from 12:30 pm until 1:30 am!

On another summer's day, I had bought some rope for a tug-o-war competition for the halls sports day. But before the competition I decided to have some fun first. My friend Carson, had also bought some walkie talkies that day and was trying them out with another friend named Aimee. Carson and I thought it would funny to play a prank on Aimee. We lured her out of her room to go to his neighbour's room so that we could sneak into her room. I went to her room got her favourite teddy, tied the rope around it then hung it outside the window. We then pretended to be russian terrorists and told Aimee to look outside towards her room. Her reaction was priceless, she ran back to find that her teddy was released but we had decided to tie her hands and feet together and place her in the middle of the corridor. (I actually made a video of this and put it on youtube.) We then hid in her room whilst her neighbour's parents were horrified to find her tied up like that. She was then untied by the parents. We all laughed about it in the end and Aimee wasn't even the slightest mad at us.

So next time you are bored and you have friends around then just think random. It might not result in a good time everytime but when you do have one then it will be one to remember.

Brand New Day

2009-03-01T15:23:00.005Z

For everyone who has had a bad day today, the optimist's thing to do is to think that tomorrow is going to be a better day. If yesterday was a bad day then making today better isn't going to be much harder. Try to forget what upsets you and remember what makes you happy. If you can't remember then know this, the world is massive and there is a lot you can find that can make you happy. All you need to do is look, try, experience, enjoy and the great thing is everyday is a new day. I know what you are thinking, 'bad cliche'. I'm not saying go 'live life to the fullest', all I am saying is enjoy as many days as you can in your life.

Think positive and make something happen and there is a high probability that something positive will happen. So now I leave you 5 (hopefully) inspiring lyrics from some great songs.

"Throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape, we won't hear a word they say, they don't know us anyway." - The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls

"But there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, well I can't be on the last train home, watch it pass the day as it fades away, no more time to care, no more time today." - Last Train Home by Lostprophets

"Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me and I'm feeling good." - Feeling Good by Various Artists

"Write down everything say, write down everything you want to change, write down all the places you want to stay, write down everything you want." - Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? - Stereophonics

"Dream send me a sign, turn back the clock, give me some time, I need to break out and make a new name, let's open our eyes to a brand new day." - Brand New Day by Ryan Star

Have a Nice Day! :)

Meeting Death

2009-02-25T12:27:00.005Z

This is probably the most morbid post I have ever done so just bear with me. Now I am a fan of one of Neil Gaiman's more famous comic book characters, namely 'Death of the Endless'. She is the personification of death or the 'Grim Reaper' if you will, but she is anything but grim. She is nice, cheerful, unbiased, free-spirited and understanding. She guides people from this realm to the afterlife with a smile on her face. People fear her, try to run away from her but in the end everyone accepts her.

The following story is part fictional and part true. I am using it more as a metaphor than anything else and it's been a while since I wrote fictional stuff for people to see, so bear with me.

I remember meeting her, I think twice in my life. The first time was at my grandmother's funeral, I wasn't even a teenager back then. I was sad that day, I felt guilty because I remember the petty little arguments I used to have with her. But I suppose thats one way of dealing with the loss of a loved one. I was feeling depressed, so depressed that even my eyes couldn't produce tears.
It was then I met her. It was a hot summer's day and yet she seemed completely cool in her all black dress and her black boots. She came towards me and sat next to me and she said, "You miss her don't you?" I nodded and said, "Why couldn't I have been nicer to her when she was alive? I wish I could tell her that I am sorry." She gazed into my eyes and then she smiled, "You're a sweet boy, I am sure your grandmother knows how you feel and loved you nonetheless. You should stop beating yourself up over it and just remember the good times." After she said this she got up and walked away. I took her advice and I felt slightly better

The second time I met her was during my 'I HATE everything phase' or my early teenage years. It was late summer and my family had this big barbecue thing round our house. I don't remember what set me off but I remember I feeling really unhappy and angry and blamed my parents for it. I shut myself off in my room and sat on my window sill overlooking the party outside. I then contemplated about jumping out of the window, thinking how guilty would my parent's feel if I jumped out now and how not really anyone would miss me if I died. During that thought process, there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and there she was, not even looking a day older than when I first saw her. I was confused and slightly scared but she gave me that very sweet smile of her's and I began to relax. She asked me, "So, why aren't you outside enjoying the party? Everyone else is." I shrugged and replied, "I dunno." I went to sit by the window sill again and looked outside, trying to do my thing and shut off everybody in the world. She began looking around my room, "You know... looking around your room, you really don't do much do you. No sports, no hobbies, no books, only a few CD's and not many photos of friends." I looked at her and said, "Great! Add that to my list of failures. All the reason to stop living I suppose." I then began to realise that, that one sentence took the beaming smile from her face and she sternly responded, "All the reason to carry on living! Why would you end your life when you have not even started living it! All the great people I know started off being failures and had much harder lives than yours. Failure makes you stronger. Failure makes you learn. It's better to learn now than later, when it hurts more." Her strong reaction surprised me and I began feeling slightly ashamed. I looked around my room and like she pointed out before it looked rather plain. Her word's began to have a huge effect on me and I started to think about life and what living life is all about. I apologised to her and I decided it was a good idea to go back to the party now. She gazed in to my eyes and gave me a kiss on the cheek, she smiles and says, "You're a sweet boy." She then walks out the door and that was the last time I saw her.

The reason for this story is because of two reasons. The first one, was because I was reading The graphic novel and I was slightly inspired. The second reason was that I wanted tell a story that I was feeling at the time but instead of me telling you my conflicting thoughts, I thought it would be best if I had someone else doing the conflicting. Who better than Death! She is inside everyone of us, deep down we know she is there but we just try not to think about her. When we need her she'll be there and at the end your days... she'll be there.

Man Of....

2009-02-23T23:30:00.003Z

For the past 4 years I have been a fan of the television show "Lost". The main reason I like it so much is because the show can make the viewer wonder and think about the show even when it is not on. It's not a great story but it is great way of telling a story. Like all good stories there is a conflict and a frequent topic that I see popping up every now and again in Lost and other shows is the 'Man of Science vs. Man of Faith'.

The "Man of Science" is the person who strives to know everything about everything. He is the one that has all the questions and the thirst for knowledge is almost unquenchable. "Lost" has cleverly taught me that sometimes answers can just lead to more questions. If the answer is not definitive or completely different to what is expected then the "Man of science" will find it hard to accept.
The "Man of Faith" is often portrayed as the irrational or crazy one but often has little bit more clarity than everyone else. the "Man of Faith" is happy to believe that the path is set or will eventually fall into place. The questions he asks are more personal or spiritual which means less scientific and less definitive.
In simple terms, the "Man of Faith" is happy knowing that the toaster makes toast. The "Man of Science" is happy knowing how the toaster makes toast.

This type of conflict has always been around. At some point in your life you will have heard this,

Man of Science: How can you believe in God without knowing for sure that he/she exists?
Man of Faith: I just do. I don't need justification. I just believe.

I once heard this quote, "It's funny how scientists choose not to acknowledge God, yet they are closer to understanding god than anybody else." I think this statement is very true to an extent. There are many scientist that don't believe in God and believe fate is nothing more than a series of mere coincidences. There are also many people who choose not to acknowledge science. I'll be blunt, I think these people are crazy. I respect all faiths but I fail to understand how some people think they know more about the world just because they believe it to be so. It's like thinking you know how to paint the "Mona Lisa" without knowing how to draw.

I like to think that I am a "Man of Science" but also open to be a "Man of Faith". In term of the world, I turn to science and in terms of life, I turn to faith. Both are important, there is no right or wrong, only what we believe.

(Whoever said TV is uninspiring nowadays clearly needs to watch more!)

Sleepless Nights

2009-02-15T22:34:00.003Z

I am a person who loves to sleep, so when I lose sleep I get in a bad mood or very easily annoyed. Over the years I have learnt to control myself whilst in a bad mood but it doesn't stop how I feel. The main reasons of me losing sleep is when I get incredibly excited/ upset/afraid over something that has yet to come. It's actually quite irrational because its normally over things that have a high probability of not happening. So here are a few samples of the thoughts I lose sleep over...

Excitement

I get excited about the prospect of something changing in my life, whether its career, relationships, being in a different place or all of the above. I also get excited about new revelations or epiphanies that I have gotten and the fact that I have no one to tell or I simply can't tell anyone about. I don't mind keeping other peoples secrets because I know I won't tell anyone but if its my own secret I am only one syllable away from giving it all away.
A frequent thought that crosses my mind is that I have been single far too long. I keep thinking of scenarios of me starting relationships with some of my friends(not at the same time). Then thinking immediately that would never happen or that is a terrible idea, but the excitement of starting something new just makes me want it so much more.

Upset

I haven't really been upset over much recently (well not enough to lose sleep over) which cannot be a bad thing I suppose. The only thing to mind was 2 years ago during the "Remembering Sunday" incident. It has to be something very major to get me so upset that I lose sleep over. I think its because I have learnt during my high school days to be emotionally tough and endure anything that can upset me. I won't easily let someone get in my head enough to actually upset me, I never take anything bad that is said about me to heart because their is no point. I have a strong belief in myself and only when I question my self belief that is when I get upset.

Afraid

I often scare myself. Normally over exams or exam results which I admit is quite lame. The thing is I am not the best at taking exams, its not because I don't know the subject matter its just I don't have the skill to write down an in depth answer on paper. So come exam's results day I dread being branded a failure amongst my peers.
The scariest experience in my life however was when I was in a car accident. I remember that night I could not actually put myself to sleep, my heart was racing and my mind was just replaying the accident over and over again. A night I will probably never forget.

So here are some of the example of things I think about during my sleepless nights. What do you think? Do I think too much?

My Weakness

2009-02-12T15:28:00.003Z

A few people know this but I have a big weak spot for red/ginger hair. Its one of those small things that I find very attractive in a girl. Whether its natural or dyed, its something that enhances a person beauty in my opinion. I find myself always slightly more shy when I am around a girl with red hair. Some people think that blondes have more fun but the fact is 2 of my 3 major crushes were red heads and none of them were blonde. Maybe its because I see too many girls with blonde hair around and for me it's become quite... common.

I apologise in advance if I have offended anyone with blonde hair.

:)

All in the past...

2009-02-09T23:14:00.002Z

I have a small interest in history. I was never keen about learning every fact, date or detail of historical events. I was more fascinated with all the stories, mythologies and the people in these stories. I like reading about the trials and tribulations that some great people had to go through, the grand ideas they had to think of when put in a tough situation, the twisted ironies that happened to people that did and didn't deserve it and knowing that a hard life can often lead to greatness.

The only thing I don't like about history is that some peoples opinions blur the facts. Fallen tyrants are seen as monsters and the victors of war are the greatest people ever lived. I'm not saying these people aren't, I'm just saying the victor writes the history and sometimes the writer's opinions becomes fact. I remember a few years ago, there was a big controversy in Asia about a Japanese textbook trying to rewrite history by downplaying their aggression during the wars and also downplaying their war crimes. People that were there will remember what happened but the people that weren't are taught by the often biased books that are written.

I used to know someone who I'd frequently argue with about peoples' histories. He believes that 'if we forget the past, we risk repeating history in the future.' A saying I agree to an extent, but he also had a grudge on how people are now because of who or how they used to be. Maybe I am being "optimistic" or "foolish" in thinking that some people understand their wrong doings and they are willing to change. Frankly I found this person to be slightly racist and petty because he'd treat people from other countries differently because of their countries background. Most notably the Germans. I despise people who hate all Germans because of the war. World War II happened generations ago, the current generation should not be hated because of what happened in the past. Most Germans I have met have been really friendly. Why should they suffer the stigma for something they did not do?

Some might call me naive for saying this but I just like to think that what happened in the past should stay in the past.

Relax

2009-02-08T22:41:00.003Z

I can often lose hours of my time drawing and painting, I find it to be very therapeutic. The great thing about it is the fact it can frustrate you at times from beginning to end but when you see the final picture it makes everything worth it. The more effort you put into the picture the better the reward. Its almost like having a real relationship, the pencil and paper is my love and the pictures are my children.

Like any skill, the more you do it the easier it gets. The important thing is to have patience getting there. I haven't drawn or painted anything for about 6 months until about 4 days ago. I have to admit it's not the best thing I have done but I think its okay considering the long time away from it. The hardest part of drawing for me is to walk away from a picture and know that it is finished. I am too much of a perfectionist and that can often ruin the final picture because there is always more I can add but little to make it better and so very easily make it worse. Another flaw about myself and relationships I guess.

I love drawing with other people as well. I have a friend who is the most amazing painter I have ever met. I am and probably always will be jealous of her talent. I get so intimidated when drawing next to her, but then again I feel very inspired at the same time. That's the main reason why I like drawing with others, you can share the intimidations but also the inspirations, the knowledge, the skills and for me that is really relaxing.

Hard to say...

2009-02-05T22:49:00.002Z

The words "I Love You" can often make or break a relationship. Especially if you are the first person in the relationship to say it.

A friend of mine told me that her boyfriend of 2 months said these 3 little words to her and it surprised her and then it began to worry her. It's funny how a common saying can be either very powerful or utterly meaningless. Which brings me to her problem, she had no idea if he meant it or just saying it for the sake of saying it. She felt it was probably too soon to say these things, but then again you can't put a time limit on these things either. I told my friend that only she can tell if he meant it or not because its only her who can feel if his love is true. I have known enough people to realise that everyone treats these words differently. Some will say it when it is said to them even if they don't mean it, some will say it just to get something out of the relationship, some say it just because its the thing to say and some will say it casually just to seem affectionate.

Personally, I say it quite a lot but only to close friends, I have never told a girl who I have had feelings for that I love them. For me that is a very hard thing to do. I don't want these words to be just a passing phrase, it has to have a good amount of meaning to it. When I say these words it has to be true so that it can have the power and feeling I want it to have. Even if I wanted to say it, it's still hard to say. Mainly because it takes a lot of bravery to say it, like I said before, it either makes or breaks a relationship. There are way too many things to worry about after it is said and the scary thing is that its hard or impossible to take back. But when the time right it will be said and it makes it even more special.

The Rut

2009-02-05T00:45:00.004Z

Recently I been unable to write. It's not that I haven't got anything to write, it's just I can't write anything I feel is any good. That being said, I remembered a bit of old advice that I will remember to take from now on. "Do something different and inspiration will come." The fact is if I get stuck in a routine, life seems dull and boring and the ideas that are born from this environment are most likely to be dull and boring.

It is hard to get out of a rut, I know that because I am currently in one. I have always had certain goals in my life. Get to university, get a degree, make some close friends, get my dream job, fall in love, travel the world. So far I have achieved the first 3 goals but there have been points in my life where I thought I could not achieve them. I guess I am back to the point where I think I can't achieve my next 3 goals. I like to stay optimistic and say I will definitely achieve them but with the constant reminders of the economy crisis, rises in unemployment and long relationships around me failing, it's beginning to be really easy to doubt my own capabilities.

I need to get on the offensive and start chasing something to achieve my next goal. But like I said before, it's hard to get out of a rut.

Legend Living On

2009-01-27T02:58:00.003Z

Next month is the 15th anniversary of the death of a legend that is Bill Hicks. A truly great comedian and idealist. I recommend anyone who has never watched his stand up to do so.

I'll leave you with a speech he made in his last televised stand-up, 'Revelations'.

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride...” But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus - murdered; Martin Luther King - murdered; Malcolm X - murdered; Gandhi - murdered; John Lennon - murdered; Reagan... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. "

Bill Hicks R.I.P

I Love Football

2009-01-24T10:35:00.002Z

Every weekend I watch a show called Soccer AM. Its a completely live football entertainment show that builds up the anticipation of the weekend for football lovers like myself. Sometimes on the show they have a part called "I love football" and they interview a professional or ex-professional footballer to explain why they love football. Being my own slightly egotistical self I want to do it for myself, so here it goes. (If you are not interested in the football, then just skip to the I love fooball part)

My footballing hero was...

Ian Rush and Robbie Fowler. I loved watching them play and scoring goals week in and week out. These two players have brought so much joy to my early childhood.

My favourite thing about matchday is...

I remember going to my first match and the atmosphere was amazing. One minute the crowd can share excitement and the next disappointment. The banter shared with friends is always a good thing, its like betting but instead of money its bragging rights for a week.

Greatest game I ever watched was...

The 2005 Champions League Final. It was a game that everyone in the world thought had ended at half time. Liverpool was losing 3-0 to AC Milan and I could not bare to watch during the first half. Liverpool then shocked the world by scoring 3 goals in 6 minutes a rare feat done by any team and unthinkable when it was done in the hardest game in club football. Liverpool won the game in the end and I remember running around jumping up and down. I think in that one game, I felt every single emotion you can name.

My favourite piece of memorabilia is...

Bobby Robson's signed autobiography. I met him on a book signing he was doing and that was the first time I have ever been starstruck. In my eyes he is the most respected manager that England has ever had. I was completely speechless when I met him.

I love football because...

it is so passionate. When you play it doesn't matter where you are from, how rich you are, what colour your skin is. The only thing that does matter is passion and if that passion is as much or more than your team mates. When you watch football, there are two teams and two set of supporters sharing contrasting emotions and one desire. Football is more than just a sport, it is a religion. It gives people around the world hope, joy, unity and respect. This is my reason for why I love football.

Persona

2009-01-22T11:51:00.004Z

There are many sides to a man (I would say person but I am sticking to what I know). Just because not many people get to see those sides it doesn't mean that they're not there. Even the goofiest men have a serious side and the hardest men have an emotional side. Given the right circumstances, you can see these sides.

I have been mistaken to be quite shallow or not really a deep thinker, its not completely wrong because I can be shallow at times but that is one side of me. There is so much more to me than the side I normally let certain people see. So now I will share a few sides to me that contrasts the type of person I am.

The Family Guy - I love my family. I worry about my family when I am not there. I often dream about starting my own family but I know at the moment I am too young for that because I need to live my life first.

The Guys' Guy - When I am with the boys, I like to one of the boys. Make crude jokes, talk about women and get drunk with them. I like to be care free when I am with them because I know if something was to go wrong they will have my back.

The Ladies' Guy - I like to impress girls and I like to flirt, because I want girls to be attracted me. I like to be a gentleman and be the guy that girls can talk to.

The Hard Guy - If I was in a situation where I needed to protect someone I cared , I would be there. Running away would not cross my mind.

The Sensitive Guy - If someone has personal problems, I want to be the person who listens. If I have problems I will be telling them to my close friends. I am never afraid to share my feelings, I am just afraid of whom I share them to.

The Funny Guy - I like to make people laugh, either by telling jokes or acting like a clown. If I can make the day brighter for someone then I will gladly do it. Life is so much more fun if you see the funny side to it.

The Thinking Guy - I have always had an interest in philosophy. I love reading insightful quotes from deep thinkers. The more you think about why something happens, the more you understand life.

So here are a few sides to me that show a bit of me. There are still a lot more sides to me and I will show you more eventually but for now I will just write down the parts that I can summarise.

The Scare

2009-01-20T20:05:00.004Z

It's funny how it's so easy to scare yourself after watching a thriller or a scary movie. I used to be terrified of scary films, I remember watching Child's Play and jumping behind the couch half way through the movie. To this day I still can't look at a Chucky doll without jittering. That being said, I am now immune to all scary movies and thrillers.

This immunity was gained after spending a couple of weeks with my aunt and uncle when I was a little boy, my uncle decided to make me watch a scary movie every night for a week. If it hadn't worked so well, I would have probably classed it as child abuse but he made me realise it was just a movie and the scary bits are really easy to spot if you know when to expect them. The only time I have had a scary moment after watching a film since my immunity is from a film called "The Number 23". Not because it was a terrifying movie, it was far from it. It's because scaring yourself after a thriller is just too easy given the right circumstances.

I went to see "The Number 23" with my two friend's Karen and Deb. After the movie we began noticing the number 23 everywhere because if you look for something you can find it even if it is not there. We carried on creeping each other out for a few minutes outside the cinema because we were waiting for a taxi. We then realised that it was the night of the lunar eclipse and the moon had just turned red. The atmosphere was eerie to say the least.

On our way back, the taxi driver was warning us about the dangers of taking an unmarked taxi. Something that would have been alright if we had not been watching a thriller. Topics such as rape, mugging and leaving someone in the middle of nowhere was probably not the best thing to talk about. What made it even worse was the fact that the taxi driver was taking us through an old country road which is completely different to the normal route that we are used to. When I looked back at the girls, I remember Karen's face being terrified. I decided to ask the driver why we were taking this route and he explained that this country road was actually a shortcut and that it would save me about 50p. I was calmer but still slightly suspicious until we arrived back home. We got back okay and we saved 50p. When we got back in we couldn't stop laughing about our "psycho taxi ride". Mainly because Karen had texted our friend saying 'we are going to get murdered and left in a ditch' and had 999 on the dial ready to call the police.

I guess there are still some scary situations you just can't be immune to.

23

2009-01-18T10:12:00.002Z

Here are 23 of my fondest or darkest memories that go from my earliest to my current memory.

1. Going to playschool and making my first friends despite not speaking the language.

2. Going to pond near the marketplace to feed the fishes with my great grandmother.

3. Waking up early in the morning to wake up my parents.

4. Stabbing the school bully in the eyelid with a newly sharpened pencil.

5. Changing school's and making new friends.

6. Sister being born.

7. Spending hours watching old home videos of when I was a toddler.

8. Pretending to be a Power Ranger.

9. Being denied to play in sport teams because parents had to work.

10. Being fascinated about greek mythology

11. Going to Wales for the most memorable school trip of my life.

12. My Grandmother died. I couldn't cry at her funeral and I have not cried since.

13. Playing 'Bulldog' with the sixth formers.

14. Being an 'Inbetweener' (Not cool enough to be a cool kid and not smart enough to be a nerd)

15. I wanted to runaway.

16. Playing computer games for 12 hours staight with my cousins.

17. Being a social retard at times.

18. Not caring about life in sixth form and looking forward to going away to university.

19. Getting absolutely wasted on my birthday with my new university friends

20. Forming a bond with some close friends.

21. Going to my first music festival and loving it!

22. Having alot of fun living in a house with some of my closest friends

23. For the first time in my life not worrying about what life will bring.

The Playlist

2009-01-13T08:06:00.003Z

If you have read this blog quite regularly, you will realise I change the songs on my blog regularly, sometimes too often. I believe you can tell a lot about a person from their playlist. It doesn't matter what type of music it is or how great the song is or was. It just has to have some personal feeling behind it.

When I choose the music on here I go for something that is easy to listen to and something that reflects my feelings at the time. I love songs with good and meaningful lyrics or songs with a strong emotional feeling (yes I am slightly emo.. only slightly!). I find remembering good lyrics really easy, no matter how old the song or how often I hear it, I will remember it. Sometimes it is annoying though because I often forget the rhythm but remember the lyrics which ruins it completely.

Each of the following songs has hit me on a personal level at some point in my life. It can be decribed as the playlist of my life so far.
In no particular order:

Numb - Linkin Park
Broken - Seether featuring Amy Lee
Remembering Sunday - All Time Low
Last Train Home- Lostprophets
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Warning Sign - Coldplay
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
Find the Time - Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly.
Hero - Enrique Inglesias
My Sacrifice - Creed

Can you tell what kind of person I am?

Destiny

2009-01-09T14:44:00.003Z

Over the past week I have become more aware of the word 'fate'. It is a word that many choose to believe and a word many choose to disbelieve. Is everything we do leading down a path we have chosen to follow or is there path we have followed that has been chosen for us? It's scary too think that our choices are pre-determined but it's only scary if you think about it too much.

A few days ago I had my fortune told. I won't get into the details of how he did it and what he said. All I will say is that he was good at describing my personality and my flaws without me saying much or anything at all. After the telling, I was left slightly worried, slightly excited and wondering what would be in store for me in the future.

One of the things I was told was not to get married before I was 30 because I am destined to have more than one lover. If I get married early, I would be in a situation where I would probably end up cheating on my wife. Now being a realist, I have to say this was hard to believe. I can't imagine myself ever cheating on anyone, especially on my future wife. It worried me even more that it would take so long for me to find "the one" and still not know if she is "the one".

Having your fortune told is like opening the pandora's box. Once you find out what is to come, you can't forget it. The fortune teller said that there was two choices for me, listen to his warnings or ignore his words. For the time being, I was told to not think about it too much and just live life as I would have normally. I think its still fresh in my mind but I hope that I am not fated to be a person I grow to hate.

The Usual Suspect

2009-01-03T11:20:00.004Z

One of my favourite lines in the history of film is, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." A brilliant line from a brilliant film that is "The Usual Suspects." Only a few people know this but I am actually a really good liar. The reason I am so good is because I have a trustworthy look, a polite manner and a facade of being a bad liar.

On my last day of school, there is an annual tradition for the leavers to leave a practical joke as a mark for all the students to see that the sixth formers are leaving. Normally these pranks are pulled by the rugby boys. Over the years there have been some memorable pranks such as parking a tractor in the headmaster's parking space, painting a dead person's crime scene on a public path way. Ever since I first saw these pranks I had always wanted to do one myself. So on that day, I decided to do a Jackson Pollack style painting on the art room's windows with poster paint.

When the Head of sixth form found out about the prank, he was furious. He wanted the culprit to own up or else he would cancel the leavers assembly. The rugby boys asked me to own up to it and I agreed because I didn't want to ruin the last day for everyone. It was a short walk from where I was to the Head of sixth form's office but it felt like a mile. As I walked into the office and admitted to my prank, the head of sixth form surprised me completely by bursting into laughter. He explained that he was expecting one of the rugby boys to be the culprit but since it was me, all I needed to do was apologize to the art teacher and clean the paint off the windows. A very light punishment.

To the head of sixth form, I was the honest, quiet and a trouble avoiding person. What he didn't know was I was only like that when the teachers were around. It was almost an automatic reaction for me, to act innocent. Even the most honest person in the world can lie their way out of anything, just because they have a trustworthy reputation.

As the saying goes, 'Don't judge a book by its cover.'

Inhibitition

2008-12-30T00:57:00.004Z

I have so many things I want to do and so many things I want to be in this lifetime. It really does seem life is too short, but is it? Most of the time I feel that taking action is so much harder than just wanting to do it. But the only thing holding me back is myself.

I met a friend 3 years ago at uni, her name is Jo. She was 6 years older than me and was just starting her first year. Her reason for starting uni at that point in her life was because she had been travelling and working abroad for the past few years with only a few qualifications, so she wanted to be fully qualified so she could carry on doing the thing she loves. I used to love going to her room to see her photos of the people she met and the places she's seen. She told these amazing stories and I just wanted to go see it for myself. I asked her how she decided to do these things and she simply replied, "I have always wanted to do it, so I just did it." When I asked her what if something was to go wrong, she would say' "If worse came to worst take the next plane home and it would have been just another experience." I wished I had Jo's courage to just do the things she wanted to.

Sometimes I think and care too much. When I think too much I doubt myself and when I care too much I doubt the people around me. I find myself thinking that I wouldn't be able to cope or be scared that something will go wrong. I would worry about my family and my friends as well because I would feel that I would be abandoning them. Maybe I am just not as independent as I think I am. Even though I know I think all these things I still can't change the way I feel.

I guess I am a bit of a hypocrite because I try to inspire people with Jo's story and tell them to break through their inhibitions even though I can't do it myself. I can't imagine myself not doing the things I want to do in the future, but I can't imagine myself doing it in the near future. For me this is a scary thought. Life is too short.

A Letter

2008-12-27T02:13:00.004Z

Before the new year I want to get everything negative off my mind and just concentrate on a potentially great year. So I decided to use an idea that was inspired by Housewife from her blog "Questions and Secrets".

Dear You,
I am sorry that I haven't lived up to your high standards as a friend, you self-righteous bitch. I trusted you, I treated you as a good friend and I stood up for you when there were people against you. I can't tell you how much you have hurt me, I believed that despite all our arguments our friendship would last, I guess I was wrong. Thinking back I should have seen the signs, you always were a little two-faced but maybe I chose to forgive and forget, something you should have done. Instead you chose to keep a medial grudge and told others behind my back that you didn't like me. If you didn't like me tell me to my face and I will stop wasting my time. Stop placing yourself on a pedestal because you are probably lower than most of your so-called "friends". You can save your sympathy!

I don't want to be angry at you forever, so I will forgive you and I will forget you.

Your sincerely,

Nothing.

The Difference?

2008-12-23T12:23:00.003Z

The longer lasting relationships I have known have come from two individuals who have a strong initial friendship. They consider each other best friends. They love each other more than anyone else. So here is a question for you to ponder...

What is the difference between the love for a very good friend and the love for a boyfriend/girlfriend if acts of intimacy was not involved? If you kiss a very good friend, they are not automatically your boyfriend/girlfriend. You can go out with a very good friend and to everyone else it might look like a date but you are not dating. Some very good friends can sleep together and still not class each other as a boyfriend/girlfriend. If given the choice between a good friend or a lover, most would probably choose lover. So where do you draw the line?

When I got asked this question, it took me a while to think of an answer. It might not be the best answer but its an answer nonetheless.

First, there is the physical attraction that makes two people notice each other, although this plays a factor it isn't the most important. Second, is the personal attraction, this is when two people's personalities and interests attract each other. Normally if these two factors are mutual it would start a relationship but not necessarily love. The factor that I think that tips the scale is the "irrational" attraction, this is the want and the need to be with the other person almost all of the time. It is irrational because it causes some people to do irrational things, such as being jealous or missing the other person even though they just saw each other 5 minutes beforehand.

I would love to hear everyone's opinion on this because I still don't completely understand it myself.

The Strategist

2008-12-19T14:12:00.003Z

5 years ago I did an online personality test made by the BBC, it was a simple questionnaire that would judge the type of person you are. I was very satisfied with my answer because I read the summary and read the explanations and that person was me. I was a strategist.

Here is a summary of a strategist:

Naturally Spontaneous, Ideas, Heads, Introvert

Quiet, easy-going and intellectually curious

Use logical, objective thinking to find original solutions to problems

Think of themselves as bright, logical and individualistic

May forget practical issues, such as paying bills or doing the shopping

Earlier this year I did the same test again. I thought I had changed a lot over the past few years, so I wonder what type of person I am now. To my surprise I got the same answer but reading the summary again I realised I haven't really changed that much. The only difference is that I have grown more confident over the years. To some people I may seem extroverted but what they don't know is that most of the time I have to force myself to talk to people I don't know. I guess you can change your traits but you can't change your nature (It's the whole nature vs. nuture debate).

I think a big part of my personality belongs to chess. I play online sometimes but I enjoy playing face-to-face more because you can read your opponent. There are so many things that you learn in a game of chess that you just don't realise such as reading your opponents reactions, thinking ahead, thinking of the consequences, being able to take risks and so much more.

The only thing I dont completely agree on the explanation of a strategist is, "Strategists may be insensitive to the emotional needs of others or how their behaviour impacts the people around them." I have always been careful of what I said and how I react to people. Although there are times I have said things that was very insensitive... but who hasn't?

If you would like to try out the test:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index.shtml

Please leave a comment about the type of person you are!

Respect

2008-12-17T15:34:00.004Z

Just because I don't like someone doesn't mean I can't respect them. There is one certain person that I hold in this regard, His name is Martin. He is very self-confident and sometimes arrogant, he knows how to say the right things and he knows how to push someones buttons, he is a bit of a player but he can treat his female friends nicely, he is very opinionated and sometimes he goes too far, he also has a short temper. The reason I respect him though is because he can use his negative points and turn it to his positives and he can make good decisions in bad situations.

I used to be on a commitee for our halls of residence, our main job was to organise parties, nights out, formal dinners and the annual ball. Martin was the president of the commitee and in my opinion he was the best man for the job at the time. He had a reputation before he had been voted in but his competition was very unpopular so he had an expected win. In the commitee there were 3 third years and 4 second year students. The 3 third years were probably the ones who knew what was needed of them. Martin was the most organised and serious person in the commitee as we all expected the president to be. Working with him in the commitee was a great yet often stressful job. I think he managed to piss off each and everyone of us at some point. But in the end I think we did a good job.

Like most people with power he had an ego, but he knew when to cast it aside and when to use it to his advantage. When we were organising the annual ball, we had 3 weeks of hell. Our initial plans that were made in the summer before we even started the semester were all scrapped due to unforseen circumstances. Obviously it left the whole commitee stressed and tensions were very high. The easy thing would have been to cancel the ball but we all were against the idea and Martin used his ego and other skills negotiated for things we couldn't have gotten in the first place. Our ball turned out to be a big success despite all the things that went wrong.

One of the main reasons I respect him is that he can make decisions for a bigger picture. A good example is when he didn't want our commitee to seem incompetant when things went wrong, we were told to tell the students that it was his fault. He knew he had a unpopular reputation but he didn't care about it as long as it helped everyone. He knew he couldn't please everyone but he tried to please the majority.

I think most of his reputation is justified but there are some parts that people mistake him for. Like I said before I don't need to like him to respect him. But I guess thats politics.

Peter Pan

2008-12-14T23:39:00.006Z

There are many things I used to hate that I have grown to like and there are many things that I used to like that I have grown to hate. I think by knowing this, it is the first signs of getting old. It's funny how we all wanted to get older as soon as possible, when we were children and as we get older we want to stop time. I know I am still young but I don't feel that indestructible feeling I used to have all the time. People grow up and they become a different person to who they used to be, it's a fact that can't be changed.

I love reminiscing the past with friends from my generation. I love that nostalgic feeling when someone you didn't know as a kid and lived miles away from you but still shared something you loved. The most common thing for me was kids tv shows in the early 90's. If I was to meet someone roughly my age and watched saturday morning kids tv shows, I can guarantee I can have a conversation about it for at least an hour or two. Another good topic would be 'which is your favourite Disney film'. Just by mentioning old Disney films such as, Snow White, The Lion King, Cinderella, Peter Pan, it brings back many memories and the nostalgia kicks in almost immediately. Nostalgia brings back the feeling of our youth. Everyone loved their decade (for me it was the 90's), even if something wrong was happening in the world at the time we still loved it. It's because we all romanticise that period in time where we didn't need to worry.

The terrible thing about nostalgia is the realisation that the times have changed, the people, the lifestyle, the tv shows, all of it has changed. I am no longer in the 90's and as times goes by it is getting even further away. But I'll always be a 90's child forever and as long as there are people to remind me of that, my inner-child will be just like Peter Pan, forever young.

WhY.. sO.. SeRiOuS?

2008-12-10T23:21:00.003Z

One of this year's best films, in my opinion is 'The Dark Knight'. Mainly because Heath Ledger's Joker was just as charismatic as he was sadistic. One of the most memorable lines in that film was when The Joker was intimidating a crime lord and uttering the words, "Why.. So.. Serious?"

These three words have been repeating itself in my head for a while now. The main reason is because there are far too many people that just can't take a joke. In a society full of political correction it is very easy to offend someone. I can understand that some things can go a step too far but at the end of the day, if they don't mean it then where is the harm?

I hate stereotyping people but it doesn't mean I can't find stereotypical jokes funny. I have always had a saying about racism, "If you treat it like a joke, it is a joke." There is no point getting offended when you know there is no harm meant in it. It takes a lot for me to be offended by something. I have been hanging around people who throw insults at each other so much so it's more a competition than anything else. Sometimes it does go a bit too far but no one takes it seriously. The most annoying people are the ones that can laugh at someone but gets offended when the tables are turned on them and they are being made fun of.

I recently learnt that my ex-housemate, Sarah, hated living in our house last year and really didn't like anyone. One of the reason's was because we kept making fun of her. This was partly true but it was never a cynical thing, it was something we all did as a group. We laughed at each other because we do stupid things. I was more or less the clown in our house and the one who probably took the most insults. Whenever she tried to laugh at something I said, I would normally have an automatic reaction of giving back a witty response. Sometimes she gets offended and sometimes she doesn't. What I didn't expect was for her to keep a grudge.

Sarah has completely distanced herself from me and our former housemates now. I find it funny how much she annoys me now, even though I was one of the few that stuck up for her when others told me how annoying she was. Normally I like to see the good in everyone but given the circumstance, I find it hard. I guess my best option is to treat this as a joke because there was no real harm done, there is no point being so serious about it.

Big Brother Complex

2008-12-07T20:50:00.005Z

I have had many debates/argument/heated discussions in the past with many different people and this particular question will always be a matter of opinion and not a matter of fact. These discussions are about the age old question, "What is harder, being the older sibling or the younger?" I personally think older but that is because I am one, younger siblings are most likely to side for the younger and like I said before its a matter of opinion. I have something, I'd like to call a Big Brother Complex. Not the '1984' style Big Brother, well not exactly. Most older siblings have this Big Brother Complex, especially if you are an older brother and even more so if you have a younger sister. Now I don't want to generalise too much so I'll just describe this about myself.

I have a sister who is a few years younger than me. I am very protective of her, I worry when she goes on a night out and the type of stuff she gets up to. I get paranoid about the type of guys she hangs around with. The only peace I get from this is that I know my sister is a smart girl and she knows what is good for her. Although saying that I am still dreading the day my sister brings a boy home. The main reason is that I know what most guys are like. I would hate it if my sister gets her heart broken, though I know it will happen at some point, I still wouldn't like to see it happen.

So Big Brother Complex covers being "protective" or "over-protective". Another characteristic is being a controlling person. When we were younger we would fight all the time because I kept bossing her around. I am able to admit that I was a bit of a tyrant back then and probably horrible to be around. Sometimes I would tell her to do something for knowing it would be good for her but there would be other times I would tell her to do something for selfish reasons (its one of the privileges of being older). I am sometimes a hypocrite because I have been a 'do as I say and not as I do' kind of person but I think overall it has worked quite well for her because she is definitely a better worker than me now.

The final part of the Big Brother Complex is trying to be a good role model. Even if my sister would not agree, I have definitely influenced her and I try to carry on influencing her. One of the things I have tried to teach her is to be a free thinker and not be pressured into anything. There are some parts of my personality that I would not like her to see because I wouldn't want her to think or act the same way. She tells me a lot about her life and I have always tried to help her out when she has problems. I can be jealous of her sometimes because she has got a lot of things I never had. An example of this is that I never had the time to do after-school activities, but now that my parents can send me to pick her up from school she has a lot of time to do the things she likes. I have learnt to live with it and I am glad she isn't someone I would need to worry about having a bad future.

I have come to realise that sometimes my Big Brother Complex can leak into my friendships as well. I treat some of my friends like younger siblings, probably because I am normally the oldest. I can get protective of them, I always throw out my opinions when they are needed and I try to get them to open up around me and be there if they need me. Sometimes I can be slightly annoying but its part of who I am.

So being the older sibling isn't easy but if I have a younger sibling that I am proud of, even if I won't admit it to her face, it was all worth it.

Farewell but not Goodbye.

2008-12-05T18:04:00.005Z

Sometimes leaving is the hardest thing to do. What I mean is having to leave someone for a long time and probably never seeing them ever again. We all go through life having to take our separate ways with people, like a fork in a road. There is no guarantee that the separate paths would ever cross again but the beauty of it is that everyone will remember how they got to that point. Its the shared journey with the people around that makes life special. Whether it was good or bad, the memories shared makes us look further and hope for more.

Saying goodbye to friends is sometimes heartbreaking for people. I remember when I left high school, there would be people crying about how much they would miss each other and promises how they would always keep in contact. I doubt half of them still contact each other. Its easier to grow apart when you are not together all the time.

For me though, I'm an optimist. Just because its easy to grow apart doesn't mean it will happen. I remember seeing my first ever best friend from pre-school last summer. We have not seen each other for more than 10 years. Just talking to him brought back so many memories I thought I had forgotten long ago. It felt like we were best mates again. I haven't really kept in contact with him since but I am sure that the next time we see each other, which I am sure we will, we will be just as good of friends as we have always had been.

Whenever I say goodbye to someone, I always have the notion of seeing them again. It could be sooner or it could be later. We could be completely different people to who we once knew but the memories shared will always be there to reminisce and it is always fascinating to learn about their journey. So for me its always Farewell but not Goodbye.

Two-faced

2008-12-02T23:42:00.007Z

Before I begin I would like to thank everyone who liked my last post. I was very surprised of the amount of responses I got and I hope you carry on reading my blog. If you are new to the blog, welcome and I hope you enjoy.

In the past I despised all two-faced people, but as I grew older I realised everyone has their moments where they're being two-faced, including myself. I understand sometimes it's easier to be friendly and civilised to someone you don't like than to admit that you don't like them because it would avoid the awkwardness and the conflicts. But the people I do despise though, are the ones that are only nice to others when they are around and horrible to them when they aren't. There is a fine line between laughing about someone and making fun of them at their expense. Anything bad I say about a certain person, I am able to say it to their face because if it was me, I'd want to know that I'm being laughed at rather than being laughed at behind my back. It might hurt feelings but if it is honest they will respect your opinion or if it is funny they will see the funny side to it. Most people are more humble than given credit for.

I consider myself a good judge of character because if you have been let down enough times you know how to look for the people who are being fake or have a hidden agenda. The people who are only your "friends" when they need something. Whether its a favour, money or just something that you own. I tend to veer away from such people because I like to know I'm spending my time or money on people who I know wouldn't take it for granted. There are many people in this world who make it hard for us to trust, but I won't let this stop me from trusting anyone. I have been told I am a realistic optimist, I like to see the good in everyone, although I know sometimes it is very hard to spot it.

For me trust is something that is easily gained but also easily lost. Once trust has been lost it is harder to gain. If I let a friend down I try to make amends, if I upset a friend I apologise to them. I would expect my friends to do the same. Real friends will be there for you through thick and thin and not just when it is most convenient for them. So I will be there for any friend in need and I know when to stop caring for someone who doesn't care for me.

Crush

2008-11-30T21:14:00.004Z

I recently bumped into the girl I had my first crush on. It was probably the first time I saw her in more than 5 years and she was just as stunning as when I last saw her. We greeted each other asked how each other were and then carried on our way. Its quite amazing how many different feelings you get due to one very brief encounter. I felt like the shy schoolboy seeing his crush and the mind goes blank.

Some people I know can't explain why they have a crush on a certain person. Others will have the plain and obvious answer, which is the looks. My answer would probably be the same but with something extra, personality wise. I've only had 3 major crushes in my life, once in high school and twice in uni. I have never had a relationship with any of them because in my mind, they were the perfect girl and I never had a chance.

My first crush is probably the most beautiful girl I have met. I don't just mean on the outside but inside as well. She was nice to everyone and wouldn't mind talking to the unpopular kids (i.e Me). A good example is if you imagine a typical high school movie where you have the cheerleaders and the geeks, there would be one cheerleader on the side who is nice to everyone and didn't care about social status. That would be her.

My second crush would be Michelle who I mentioned in a prevous post(Impulse). She was a beautiful girl who is intelligent, responsible and had cute mannerisms. She was the one crush I wanted a relationship with more than the others, mainly because she was alot like me personality wise.

My third crush is a really sweet gamer girl. There is definitely something I find incredibly attractive about girls who play video games. She also happens to be the only girl I have told my crush, but until the last few weeks of uni. We were both out at the same club and at the time I thought, after tonight I would probably never see her again so I told her that I had a crush on her for 2 years. Her response, "I knew". She thought I was joking but when I told her I was serious she asked, "Why?" But I was too embarrassed at this point to tell her why and we just carried on talking. I didn't expect anything to happen, other than to let her know because I knew she had a boyfriend.

A week later I bumped into her again and she was there, with another guy who wasn't her boyfriend. The illusion was shattered. She wasn't the perfect girl I had once thought of. She was still very good looking but less attractive.

I guess that when we have a crush on someone we tend to see them with rose tinted glasses. Everything they do is great and true beauty is in sight. The only problem is that, it's all in the head. I realise that my first two crushes are probably not as great as I make them out to be but I rather keep the image of their beauty rather than know the truth and potentially shatter the illusion altogether. I think of them as a sign of hope, that the perfect girl is around and not just an illusion waiting to be shattered.

More than meets the eye

2008-11-28T15:11:00.002Z

Here's a story about a girl I knew called Jen. She was a girl I knew about for two years before I actually had a conversation with her. She was the type of girl that was so beautiful most of the guys would just stare at her. The reason for taking so long to talk to her was because she hung around the other equally pretty girls and its quite intimidating. In fact thinking about it, these were the girls you would probably say were out of my league. During the second year she spent less time with the other girls and started making new friends. Some of these friends were also my friends, So we became acquaintances through association. Jen and I would greet each everytime we saw each other but we never really spoke.

So fast forward to a friend's birthday, a costume party. She had borrowed my suit jacket because she wanted to dress up as Charlie Chaplin and since I have a slightly bigger frame than her it would be perfect, or so we thought. In the end she decided to go without the jacket and go as Liza Minnelli from Cabaret. She was absolutely stunning and in my opinion she was better looking than Liza in Cabaret. We spent most of that night talking because she was explaining why she changed her mind about Charlie Chaplin. Eventually Jen, I and another girl, Helen left the others to go to a club, this was a bad idea. She was drunk at this point, but after a few more it tipped her over. Helen and I spent the remaining of the night looking after Jen. I learnt something that night, 99% of guys are pigs. So many guys began to take advantage because she was drunk. I decided to pretend to be her boyfriend just so that they would stay away.

A few days later I went to her house to pick up my jacket. We laughed how the night ended at the party and she was really embarrassed. Before I knew it we had been in her room talking for hours. I got to know her quite well, she was a really nice girl and very down to earth. I had a image of what I thought she was like and it is completely different to the person I was talking to.

At another friend's house party, all of Jen's old friends were there as well. I ran into Jen and she seemed really depressed. I asked her if she was okay, she said she was but clearly there was something bothering her. Later I found her passed out in her friend's room and I went to check to see if she was okay. She had been crying and she said that she loves her old friends but she can't stand it when they look at her with judging eyes. She explained that she was bi-sexual and she really fancied a girl at the party. When she told this girl that she liked her, the girl told Jen's old friends. I was surprised because of two things, the first was that she was bi-sexual. The second was the way her friends treated her, these girls are her best friends and I would hate it if my friends did that to me.

Jen is a girl that I originally thought was a beautiful yet shallow girl. What I found out is that if you look past the beauty you can find someone that is so much deeper. She has such a big heart that is hidden in a intimidating shell that not many would ever know.

Art of Falling

2008-11-26T16:17:00.005Z

I have come across a very beautiful song. It's called the 'Art of Falling' by Greg Holden. Here are some of the lyrics that absolutely gripped me.

It's time for a change,
It's time for a move,
Now I know that its frightening,
But its all so exciting,
I'm taking a risk,
That I know it's worth fighting,

It's Better,
To make your mistakes,
Than to live without knowing,
It's Better,
To fall on your face,
Than stay on your feet,
As long long long,
You try your best.

When I listen to this song, I always remember a choice I have made in the past and the eventual mistake that I have made because of them. I will mostly regret the choice but I'll never regret making the mistake. It's all part of being human I guess. We won't learn unless we are wrong or admit being wrong. Its pretty ironic how people think they are always right and most of the time are wrong and the people that think they are always wrong are mostly right or at least more than the former.

But at the end of the day it's all about the experience, whether it's good or it's bad. Somethings are worth doing and some mistakes are worth making. All we need is a little bravery to make the first steps and hope we don't fall.

What I want...

2008-11-25T20:57:00.002Z

Searching for "The One" is like looking for a shiny needle in a needlestack. Some never find it, some don't even know they have found it because they are uncertain if there is a shinier one around, some will go through every single one until they do find it and then theres people like me, just wait patiently until the needle shines so bright that its impossible to ignore.

The main thing is that I need to know what I am looking for. I have decided to make a list for things I want my ideal partner to be.

I want her to be faithful
I want her to be caring
I want her to be honest
I want her to be considerate
I want her to have a childish and a mature side
I want her to have a similar interests
I want her to be a free thinker and not be influenced easily by others
I want her to be attractive (not just looks but more importantly the personality)

The perfect person I am looking for is probably not out there because nobody is perfect. But looking at this list, I don't think it is really asking too much (or am I?). I think and I hope that this person is out there. Maybe someday I will find out.

One day I'll probably look back at this post and I'll probably have one of two reactions. Either I laugh (maybe cry as well...) about how things turned out so differently or be amused because everything I wanted, I got. All I can say for now is that I hope I will be happy either way.

I like to thank Franciose Mordecai for her post "Everything Happens for a Reason" or more specifically the part about the Eight ways to win her heart.

Can't Always Be The Good Guy

2008-11-24T22:56:00.004Z

Towards the start of the second year of uni, I asked some of my close friends if they would be interested in living together in a house in our third year. My original intention was to have 4 guys and 4 girls in the house. I wanted to get the members of the house sorted the first semester because the sooner we got that sorted, the sooner we could look at the nicer houses in the second semester before they were all taken.

In my mind, I knew that in this potential house of 8 there would be a core of 4 people. That would be Myself, two of my best friends Jim, Deb and a very close friend of me and Deb named Karen. I would have been happy if it was just the 4 of us getting a house, but I knew everyone wanted some others to be in the house as well. After Jim, Deb, Karen and I said we all wanted to live together, we asked each other if they would be okay inviting another to our house. There were a few people that we decided that we didn't want to live with because being friends is one thing but living with them is another. There were two people in particular I didn't want to live with. One was a good friend of mine named Sam and the other was a friend of the girls named Jo. I won't state why I don't want to live with them, I'll just say that I had my reasons and that everyone else agreed with me.

The next few months we asked each other if we wanted so and so in the house before we invited anyone, most of the time we said yes and before we knew it, we had 5 girls and 3 guys. The extra girls were all part of the girls' group and also friends of mine, the extra guy was one of my friends on my course and everyone didn't know him very well but Jim and I wanted one extra guy so that we felt it was more a mixed house rather than two guys living in a girls house. During this time we all failed to let Jo know that we didn't want to live with her. She assumed that she was in our house already, even though none of us had asked her. This was probably because we already invited most of the friends she hung around with. I admit it was a harsh thing to do and it felt like betraying a friend but if we didn't do it we wouldn't have been happy living together.

Eventually the girls told Jo that we didn't want to live with her. Obviously Jo was very upset and didn't know what to do. We all felt really guilty, but definitely more for the girls. One of the girls that Deb invited to the house decided to opt out of our house because of this. She decided she was going to live with Jo and we all understood. What we didn't understand was that she told her that I was the person who decided not to live with her and everyone else wanted to live with her. This was partly true, I was the first to state my reason for not wanting her in the house, but it was ultimately a group decision. So I became the figurehead of our decision and Jo hated me.

Jo slowly became friendlier to the others but I was still the one she hated. She could not stand the sight of me let alone sit near me on a table. I have never had anyone hate me as much as she did. Despite all this I never hated her and I didn't mind taking the blame for it because it made it easier for the girls. Saying that though, some of the girls did stick up for me and insisted it was a group decision, I wouldn't have minded if they didn't but I love them more because they did.

In the end, We were able to get a 7 bedroom house and Jo shared a house with 2 others. One day Jo stopped hating me, I am still unsure why and how it happened but I am glad she did and I am not in a hurry to find out.

Understanding

2008-11-16T01:10:00.005Z

I don't claim to be very intelligent but there is one thing that I tend to state about myself ocassionally, that I am wiser than I look. I am not saying that I have more life experience than anyone because I know I haven't. I just think I provide more insight than most people my age.

My so-called generation are knowledgeable, independent, confused, stubborn, emotionally charged and many other things. I do however think that no one truly understands one another, try to understand how someone feels or understand the choices they make.

I consider myself a fairly conscientious person, I know when someone is frustrated and I try my best to help. Sometimes you have to provide some kind of relief or maybe just leave them alone. I decide which one to do by trying to see the situation from their perspective or "stepping into their shoes." Cliche or not this is harder to do than you think it is, because when you see it from the other person's perspective you would still make choices you would do yourself and in your mind that would be the right choice. I know I don't always make the right choice but I do know when I have made the wrong one.

I always fail to understand why there is so much prejudice in this world. Some people I know however refuse to get to know others based on the type of interests, race, looks or even the people they hang around with. Not many people can see past the exterior and if they can, not many people can see past the facade and if they can, not many people can see past the stereotype. I try to view each person as an individual and will at least try to know them a bit better. Although I only do so if they want to know me at all. They might be similaraties with other people but there will also be lots of differences. I might not completely agree with everything they say or do but at least I can try to understand them while they are trying to understand me.

Maybe I am thinking too much about this but if I could truly understand one person in this world I would be a happy man.

I am who I am...

2008-11-13T21:43:00.003Z

Recently there is an advertisement in the UK by Orange. Its main slogan is I am who I am because of everyone. I have decided to share a bit more about myself on this blog than I had intended.

I am my dad, who showed me what it is to be a good father.
I am my mum, who's constant moaning show's me that being a parent is tough.
I am my sister, who showed me you can care for someone you dislike.
I am Meyrick, who showed me that there is more to a person that meets the eye.
I am Andy, who brought out the philosopher in me.
I am Emma, who I can count on when no one else is there.
I am Tom, who showed me that telling the truth is better than being two faced.
I am Nick, who showed me that being a "geek" can be a good thing.
I am Duerden, who challenged me to be prepared for my course.
I am Gary, who showed me that talking to girls is easier than you think.
I am Khalid, who showed me how to be a better friend.
I am Charlotte, who shows me that relationships can last.
I am Jeny, who brings out my inner child.
I am Clive, who makes me realise that with a bit of courage great things can happen.
I am JD, the practice for quick and witty come backs.
I am Kate, who shows me that friendships can last without seeing each other.
I am Ben, who shows me that there is always a funny side.
I am Mike, who showed me that you have to expect everything when it comes to Politics.
I am Leah, who showed me there is a big world that needs to be explored.
I am Coco, who shows me that love is great but also very fragile.
I am who I am because of everyone.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

2008-11-04T22:02:00.002Z

I have said before that being neutral is not fun. So when I have friends have an argument I never pick sides, unless I am sure that one side is absolutely wrong (which is almost never). There is always two sides to a story but there is never a wrong or a right side. A good example would be a story about two ex-best friends I once knew.

It was during my first year at uni, I hung around the pranksters of the halls, where I was living. They were great fun to be around, until a situation arose. In the heart of this group were two best friends, Steve and Mark. They occassionally got on each others nerve but everyone could see they were good friends. A little back story you should know about these two, Steve was a bit of a player, although he doesn't always get the girl. Mark knows how to charm the girls but never does anything other than flirting because he was in a long term relationship with a girl named Alison. Steve was also good friends with Alison, so naturally he felt caught in the middle when Mark got dumped by his her. Mark was upset for a long time and Steve couldn't do anything because he knew how each person felt.

Fast forward a few months later, Steve was going out with a girl named Anne, he would complain about her all the time even though in my opinion it was really his fault. Steve was probably not mature enough to be in a relationship, so we could all see their relationship wasn't really going to last. After their break-up Steve was still complaining about her and Mark who was still finding it hard after his break up, asked if he was still hung up about her. Steve replied no, Mark then said, "So you wouldn't care if I tried it on with her?" Steve then said I don't care, at the time everyone thought nothing of this question because we all thought Steve was hung up on her but it turned out he wasn't.

There are some things you just shouldn't do, one of these things is sleep with your best friend's ex. The next few days, a few of us found out that Mark had been spending time with Anne and we decided to make Mark tell Steve himself, he said he was going to but everytime he wanted to the words couldn't leave his mouth. Now I do have sympathy for him because I know that sometimes it is really hard to tell someone that you have done something wrong to them. This dragged on for a week and some of the group grew annoyed. Mark said to give him until the end of the week and he will definitely tell him.

During that week Steve found out a girl was cheating on his boyfriend and since he was an acquaintance of the boyfriend he decided to tell him. Later on, the guy told Steve that he saw Mark go into Anne's room. The truth got out and Steve found out that everyone knew apart from him and he was pissed off. A majority decided to pick sides and sided with Steve and the rest decided to stay out of it. In Mark's defence he never had the chance to tell him from the time he gave a deadline to the time Steve found out. Although some believed he wouldn't have done it anyway. I don't think Steve had any feelings for Anne, I think he felt betrayed that his best friend slept with his ex behind his back and his friends knew and no one told him. Steve decided to tell Alison about it and Mark was not happy about this. Tensions rose between Mark and Steve. Eventually Mark apologised but Steve wouldn't take accept it. Steve had a small backing of friends and they began to give Mark a hard time. At times they tried to get me to help them but I refuesd to take part. Fights were started but they were stopped as well.

Since then Steve and Mark finally got past there differences but they have never become good friends. Mark and Anne stayed together for 3 years. Steve is now in a relationship with a friend of mine and has changed his player ways. It was hard being around either of them at the time because knowing that good friends can become so bitter towards each other, its unsettling to know that strong friendships can still be fragile. Mark was wrong to go for Steve's ex but Steve was also wrong for treating Anne badly and reacting terribly towards Mark.

There is no right side to this story, so why pick sides when both sides are wrong?

Find the Time

2008-10-27T21:02:00.003Z

I went to a fesival last summer and one of the bands I saw was Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. I was a fan of their first album but didn't know much of their second. Hearing new songs live is always better than listening to it casually because you remember them being good or bad. The song that I enjoyed the most was called 'Find the Time', because I like the meaning behind the song. "If we can make the plans, can we just not find the time?"

I have a good friend that taught me that even if we don't see each other for a long period of time, we can still be good friends as long as we can find the time to talk to each other. It was during my third year in uni, I was busy working on my coursework and projects that I had no time to be social. My friends understood what I was going through so they'd normally leave me to it. I felt slightly guilty because I chose to spend time with Sunday whenever I chose to take a break even though I had good friends who I hadn't spoken to for weeks.

One night during dinner, I bumped into a friend as I was leaving, his name was Sam. Sam is a bit of a free spirit, he does whatever he wants and doesn't really care about consequences. He had been hanging around a new group of friends which meant he was drifting further apart from my group of friends. I say further apart because he had already been hanging around two other groups. We lived in the same halls of residence but we almost never spoke to each other anymore. I was content with the fact that I was drifting apart from Sam because I know that there are some people you can't stay good friends with, not because you don't want to, just because it happens.

Sam asked me if I was up to anything that night, I told him I had to do some work. He asked if he could come by my room later on so we could catch up and I said that it was fine. A few hours later, he turned up to my room and we did just that. I told him about Sunday and he talked about his new girlfriend who actually lived opposite her. Before we knew it we had been in my room talking for 3 hours.

After that night I realised that you don't have to drift apart from friends as long as one of you chooses to find the time to talk to them. It doesn't have to be regularly but as long as you do it, you can still remain good friends. After finishing all my work, I decided to go see my close friends one at a time. I made sure they were free, then either I went to there room or we met up and we would catch up. Some meetings lasted longer than others but I realised that I really missed just hanging out with my friends.

So I guess if it wasn't for Sam I wouldn't know how much it means to stay in contact with a friend who you havent spoken to for a while. Good friends are still good friends even if you don't see each other regularly, all you have to do is make a plan and find the time.

Knowing When To Walk Away..

2008-10-25T16:43:00.004+01:00

A few days ago I met up with Sunday. We had a nice dinner and had a really good time chatting and catching up because we haven't seen each other for more than a year. We had a lot of fun in each other's company but there were times when it got really awkward because when you reminisce about the good times, the bad times start flooding back. I tried my best to laugh it off but awkward silences creep in every now and again.

We talked about our relationships over the last year, She knew I went out all the time and wasn't sure if I had a girlfriend. I knew she had a boyfriend the year before but did not know if they were still together. I told her that I was single and when I asked her about her boyfriend she didn't reply. After asking the same question a few more times she still kept tight lipped but when she told me a story from her recent holiday I realised they had broken up and she admitted to it. She told me that they broke up because he had moved and they can't maintain a long distance thing. I personally didn't know how close they were so I just shrugged and said "There will be others."

After the dinner, I went to see her new house. She was living in a post-grad house with two other girls. We went to her room and just carried on talking. Seeing her room reminded me of all the nights we spent together in her old room talking about random stuff. It also reminded me about our last 'real' conversation in that room. It was when she told me about her 'boyfriend', it was one of the rare times she was completely honest to me about her feelings. Remembering this, I started to become more quiet.

A while later, I decided to leave because I had to go to a friend's birthday. We shared a long hug as I was leaving. During this hug, all the feelings I had for her started rushing back.I thought I was over her, but it's never that simple, in my head I was just repeating the same phrase, 'We're just friends', but in my heart I wanted to be with her and I felt that we shared some kind of connection throughout the whole night. I wanted to stay in the room and just spend more time with her, but I knew I shouldn't.

I won't be with her because I know deep down she's not the one for me. I can't bear to go through it after what happened the first time. I might not be able to control who I love but I can control who I am giving my love to. I am confident that I will meet someone who deserves my love more than Sunday.

The Last Kiss

2008-10-19T20:48:00.004+01:00

One of my favourite movies of all time is 'The Last Kiss'. It's a film about relationships that is honest which isn't sugary and cheesy like typical Rom-Coms. It shows that relationships are hard and people aren't perfect. In the film, the main character cheats on his pregnant girlfriend whom he had been with for 3 years. His reason was taht he was felt scared and trapped in his relationship and everything around him was moving too fast for him to take in. The main character realises his mistake and tries to find forgiveness from his girlfriend. Obviously forgiveness is hard to find but the advice that was given to him was, 'Never stop trying'.

Some of my friends who have been in long-term relationships have been tempted to cheat. They know it's wrong but the temptation is always there. What I admire about some of them though is that they never crossed the line. Now notice how I said some. I have spoken in the past how much I have disliked people who cheat. I have come to terms that it does happen but if the cheater knows the error of their ways, can thier partner forgive them? Is love so fragile that if it is broken once can it not be mended ever again? Trust is always an issue because in a world where good people finish last or kind people are treated as fools, trusting a person fully is never easy. Especially if the trust has been betrayed.

The film also shows the relationships of the main character's friends and how each of them are flawed in a certain way. One only wanted casual relationship which ended with him running away from the first sign of a real relationship, one loved a girl who did not love him back and struggled to come to terms with it and one was a father who constantly argued with the mother who decided the best way to have a relationship with her was to leave her but still be a father to their child. Some relationships just aren't meant to be no matter how much you try, but it doesn't mean you don't try at all.

The final actions of the main character in the film was undoubtedly moving but is it realistic? So many people I know would have given up after a day or two. Is there people in this world who are willing to try so hard to gain back a relationship that has been thought to be over, I don't know if I would.

Only time will tell, but I liked to think I would 'Never stop trying'.

Best Friend

2008-10-19T00:54:00.007+01:00

I was recently asked who "Who is your best friend?". I stood silently for a few seconds and realised I couldn't choose because I have a few really close friends. I was then asked the following qusetion "If you had some good or bad news, who would you call first?" After thinking for a while, I realised it was down to three of my closest friends. Whenever I had a problem they would be the first to hear. There was no specific order I liked them in just who ever I could get in touch with first.

We have Jim, who I mentioned in a previous post. We have so much in common, our taste in movies, music, anime and women. He is always thinking of a solution for me whenever I have a problem, slightly cowardly in the field of romance but good for everything else. He also knows how to read me, when I am hiding something he knows and when I am down he knows how to cheer me up. I was in a minor car accident last year and he saw I was slightly shaken up, he decided to laugh about it. I like to point out it might seem insensitive but it works, because if you don't laugh you cry!

Then we have Deb who I also mentioned in a previous post. We also have a lot in common, such as movies, books and our geekiness in comic books. She can't read me like Jim does but I find myself where I can't hide any personal problems from her. She is a terrific listener and thats what she does, just listens and offers encouragement. She is also very down to earth and is more or less one of the guys, especially when playing Mario Kart. She sometimes acts like our mother as well, cleaning after us guys and we love her all the same.

And finally we have Lily, she is my best friend outside of university. She has been through a lot in these last few years. Whenever we have problems we go to each other. Sometimes you can't tell a friend a problem because they are too close to it, so having someone to talk to outside of the problem with a better perspective is good. She is also a great listener, we both take on each others advice fully and I fully trust her.

So how can I choose one out of the three? I can't and I won't.

All at Once

2008-10-18T16:33:00.009+01:00

Towards last weeks of my life as a student I found myself in a unfamiliar situation. I had been looking for a girl who I liked to like me back. For the past 4 years at uni. Not only were there many bumps along the road, I never found this girl. Please forgive me if I made this story sound a slightly chauvinistic but I am only trying to tell it as factually as I can.

There is a saying over here that goes something like this, 'You wait ages for a bus and when it finally arrives, 3 come all at once!' On one particular night out, 3 girls I know wanted me, and like I said before I was in a unfamiliar situation. The first one was a girl who was slightly promicuous and is also my friend's ex-girlfriend, the second was a girl who I had kissed on two occassions and the last girl was more of a friend's friend, a girl who i thought wouldn't like me in that kind of way. Obviously I had to choose one of them and I hoped that something would blossom from it.

The first girl and I had been flirting with each other for months (this was also months after she split up with my friend) but nothing really came of it. Firstly because I am a bit of a flirt but I am very harmless in doing so because not many take me seriously. Secondly it's because she was my friend's ex-girlfriend. Therefore that night I didn't think she was the right one to choose.

The second girl, was a girl who I did like but the only times she saw some interest in me was whilst she was drunk. The two times we kissed was because we were both drunk. I had tried to ask her out on a date twice but she never gave me a reply. I was tempted to pick her but once again she was drunk and I felt I was taking advantage of her.

The third girl was attractive and probably wouldn't like me in that way because we only met on nights out and had only met three times. But to my surprise we shared a moment as we were by the bar and she leaned in and kissed me. I found out though she was only in town for the few days because she was going home and then Germany for the year. This was probably the last time I would ever see her because I had my final exam the day she left and I needed to revise. I didn't mind though and we spent the whole night together dancing, talking, kissing.

Throughout the whole night I repeatedly ran into the first two girls. The first girl wasn't having a good night but she seemed happy when I spoke with her. The second girl though was so drunk that she lost all her friends and wanted me to help her find them (This was not the first time this has happened because there had been other nights where I would walk around with her in the club trying to find her friends). I wanted to spend my time with the third girl though and it wouldn't seem right leaving her for this girl, so I politely declined. She eventually found them which made me I feel slightly relieved.

At the end of the night the third girl said that there is no point starting something that would finish the next day. I will admit I am a guy and I did grudgingly agree to this. So we kissed each other goodbye.

The reason why I wanted to write about this is because even though I found girls who was attracted to me. This wasn't exactly what I wanted. It was great in a way but I wanted a relationship which could last and not just a fling. In hindsight the third girl was right to end the night how it was but I wouldn't be a guy if I didn't say I would not have minded it.

Impulse

2008-10-16T16:14:00.007+01:00

I used to be a person who plans everything, but due to a certain experience I have learnt that sometimes being impulsive is good. If you act on impulse you might regret doing it but you'll definitely have a better time knowing that you did it regardless.

I used to have a crush on one of my friends her name's Michelle, she was cute, mature and nice. We used to go out on nights out with our friends and we had loads of fun. I wanted to tell her that I liked her but sometimes the simplest things are the hardest things to say to a friend. I kept planning and thinking when and where the best time to tell her was. You can only do so much planning before you have to pluck up the courage to do it. So I decided at that point the next time we were out with a group of our friends on a good night out I would tell her at the end of the night.

There is a saying that goes something like this, 'If you fail to plan, you plan to fail!' Never has this quote been so wrong. The night that I was ready to tell her, at first she didn't feel like going out, it took me and our friend Jane (Who knew about my crush and wanted to help me out) to convince her.

Now here is the heartbreaker, we were all having fun and eventually we all raided the dance floor as we always did whenever we got to a club. We all formed a dance circle and I was stood opposite Michelle. Out of the blue a random guy starts dancing towards her, I didn't think much of it then because on previous nights out she normally ignores the guys that makes a move on her. But to my surprise and shock the guy made an impression on her and she started dancing closely with him. I remember this moment clearly and probably will do for the rest of my life.

So we were all on the dancefloor, the song that was playing at the time was 'Mr. Brightside' by the Killers. Never has a song been so fitting for a moment. If you haven't heard the song, some of the lyrics goes like this,

"And my stomach is sick,
And its all in my head,
but shes touching his chest now,
he's taking off her dress now,
letting me go,
'cause I just can't look its killing me,
and taking control,

Jealousy, turning saints in to the sea,
Swimming through sick lulabies,
Choking on you alibies,
but its just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me,
open up my eager eyes,
'cause I'm Mr. Brightside"

I was in shock and so was Jane. She felt so bad for me and pulled me aside to make sure I was okay. I was quite upset at the time, but not as upset as when I found out that the guy had a girlfriend! Michelle told us at the end of the night that he did have a girlfriend which he was planning to break up with. He said he was going to text her when he did. Now I have a strong opinion on cheating, even if you are going to break up with someone, looking for someone else in a nightclub before you do it, it's just not right.

A week later, I found out from Jane that Michelle went on a date with the guy (his name was George). He did break up with his girlfriend (of 2 years), and is now dating Michelle. Obviously i was crushed, but I was most upset with myself and the fact that I had plenty of chances to tell her how I felt but I was thinking too much of what would probably happen and not acting straight away and know what could have happened.

Michelle and George have been together for 3 years now and still together. Although my Crush for her is over, no matter how hard I try I just don't like him! Does that make me petty? Probably. Or maybe just seeing him reminds me of my failure and lack of courage to act on impulse.

Social Chameleon

2008-10-15T13:28:00.005+01:00

I was once nicknamed a 'Social Chameleon'. Not because I looked like a lizard that happen to be sociable. I was called this because I was able to get along with anyone. I could adapt to my social surroundings and fit in. I didn't quite understand this at first because I was just being friendly and people were friendly back. The nickname didn't last long but it kept me wondering and I realised I do change a bit of my personality when I am with different people. Don't get me wrong I was still myself I wasn't pretending to be something I'm not, but I do change the way I speak to people. When I was with the guys I'd talk like a guy and throw insults as much as I get them. When I was with girls I'd be polite and talk to them with no hidden agenda. When I was with 'geeks' I was one of them as well, talking about games, comics, tv, etc. I suppose it is probably because I have a broad variety of interests that I can use as a middle ground. There are things I do hate but I never try to hide these thing to gain acceptance but I think if you are honest with people and honest with yourself you will be accepted.

In high school, I didn't have many friends but I knew I was a friendly guy, it's just not many people wanted to be friends with me. When I got to university though, I found myself surrounded with friendly people. I learnt however this was only from my own point of view. There will always be people who won't get along with each other. So knowing that I was often caught in between two groups of friends. I never pick sides and being neutral is not fun. But I'll never regret it. I'd rather make two groups upset rather than losing one.

I said this before but friends are my life. I have learnt so much from them and I have gotten through so much with them. I wonder if I never made it into uni would I be the same person I am today?

A long story...

2008-10-14T12:27:00.005+01:00

My best friend and I have spent the last 2 weeks watching the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' and I am amazed of how much i see myself in the main character 'Ted Mosby'. If you don't know what it is about then i seriously recommend it.

Anyway... Ted is this late twenty-something who realises he wants to find "The One" and settle down and marry her. I am going to be 23 in a month and I have never wanted anything more than to find the one in my whole life. The problem is you can't find her, you have to let her find you. I think I share Ted's optimism that I will meet her someday, but not until we are both ready to meet each other.

We are also blessed in the fact that we both have good friends to support us. For me, my friends are my life, without them i wouldn't be the person I am today. I have friends that support me when I am down, celebrate with me when I am happy, laugh at me when things go wrong and most importantly be there when the times are tough.

I tend to be better friends with girls than i am guys though. Not that I am more feminine or anything, its just its easier to talk to girls than it is guys. I have no problem with that because I like being one of the guys around the guys.

I realise this is my shortest post at the moment and that it contradicts the title but I suppose in my defence is that this is where the story begins..

Remembering Sunday...

2008-10-13T19:54:00.005+01:00

Recently i have gotten into listening to a band from the states called All Time Low, at first I thought they were okay but after listening to there album, 'So Wrong, It's Right' in my car a few times I really like their music. The one that got to me the most was track 8, 'Remembering Sunday'.

The reason being was it reminded me of my first love. In this case I am going call her Sunday. I met Sunday at uni, she lived at my halls of residence and we were really close. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship and didn't want to jump into a relationship with anyone. We spent nights just talking until the late hours for months and without realising i had fallen for her. I had always had the feeling she was holding back but I had no idea what I could do.

She often went round her friends' house and I'd find myself waiting and checking to see if she was back. I admit it was somehow stalkerish but I felt really lonely when she wasn't there. Even if I was accompanied by a room full of friends. One night we spent the night in watching a film and we kissed. I looked into her eyes and once again I saw the look of reservation. I told her that I liked her and I want to be with her. She left without an explanation and i was left wondering.

Later she explained that her ex-boyfriend who she had feelings for recently had told her he wanted to get back together. She asked for some time to think so we chilled it during the christmas holidays. I spent the holidays with my family and constantly thinking about her. She spent the holidays with her friends at uni.

After the holidays I had waited for a long time for an answer. It got to the point where I didn't care about rejection because it is true what people say, the most painful thing is the wait. We eventually saw each other when she got back (I had to go back early and she had to go back late.) We spent a few weeks with awkward silences and then she called me late at night and asked me to go see her. I went to her room and she told me that during christmas one of her friends shaid he liked her. She said she was together with him. At that moment my heart was crushed and it hurt. She explained that she did like me as well but she had a choice and she chose him.

I said to her that even if she broke up wih her boyfriend I couldn't be with her. This was said partly because of spite but mostly because I couldn't bear going through the experience again. We did agree that we would still be friends but admittedly we knew we could never have the same relationship we once shared.

Their relationship lasted 7 months. We barely keep in contact now and I often wonder if she ever thinks of me, because whenever I think about a lost love I keep 'Remembering Sunday'.

If only i said something first...

2008-10-12T23:06:00.008+01:00

At the societies fair in my last year at university. My Housemate, Jim and I were both handling our own stalls. I was part of the Art Society stall and he was helping out on a stall for the army. It had been a long day recruiting freshers to join our societies/army but we both had a nice time meeting people. Among the long list of people we spoke to we both ran into our other housemate Deb, she was wandering around the fair with a friend from the navy. Her name was Bex. This was the first time Jim and I had met Bex, we had heard about her but we never met her until that day. Bex was a very nice girl, enthusiastic, friendly, attractive. I liked her.

Here lies the problem... after a few days. I was told by Deb that Jim liked Bex, and she was going to help him get the girl because like me, Jim has had pretty pathetic relationships in the past. She wanted to know if I wanted to help. Since Jim was one of my best friends I couldn't bring myself to say no. I wanted tell her that I liked her as well but it was the start of the year and I didn't want any friction within the house already, especially if it was over a girl. Plus I wanted Jim to be happy.

Jim was always really shy whenever Bex was around and so would never really speak to her. One night we all went on a night out in town and Deb was telling Bex how much Jim liked her. Whilst I was trying to urge Jim to go dance with her. He kept on refusing no matter what I said. So I gave him an ultimatum, "Either you go dance with her or I'll go." To my surpise, his response was, "If it'll make you happy go for it cos I ain't doing it." So whilst on the dancefloor I approched Bex and we both had a close dance together for about 10 minutes. It was getting towards the night when I found Jim by the bar and was slightly drunk at this point. We decided to all go home. In the taxi Jim began saying to me how he liked Bex, he also said when he saw me dancing with her he wanted to punch me. I told him that I was sorry, he responded saying "Don't be sorry, I was just angry with myself, I was just jealous that it was you dancing with her and not me." It then hit me.. Jim liked her a lot.

A few weeks later, we held a house party Bex had not been drinking alcohol for the previous month because she wanted to detox her body, but she decided that the party was the time she would end it. Everyone got incredibly drunk and a very drunk Bex approached me saying "Do you know if Jim likes me? because Deb says he does but I dont get that feeling when i am around him." I reassured her that it was true but in my heart I wanted to tell her that I liked her as well. Towards the end of the night when most of the people at our party had left, we all caught Jim making out with Bex in the kitchen. I was slightly pleased for Jim but I also felt gutted for myself.

The following days Jim and Bex had been texting each other and had a date. Whenever we went on a night out together. they would eventually be locking lips. Eventually Jim got to the point where he didn't know what to text back. He had already told her that he liked her but he began having doubts. He didn't know if he liked her or just liked the idea of being with her. He explained that he didn't want to have a girlfriend for the sake of having one.

Due to all the partying and late nights Jim was really behind on his essays and dissertation so he told Bex that they should slow down until he had finished his work. She agreed although she told me later that she was slightly confused about where everything was heading because the only time he wanted to talk to her was when they were both drunk. Bex then revealed that she was still a virgin and did not want to be anyones fuck buddy.

The few weeks later Jim had not contacted Bex much, Deb and I were slightly annoyed about his behaviour towards Bex. Mostly because Deb and I see her frequently, either on a night out or whenever she came round our house and it gets awkward whenever Jim is mentioned. When Bex was around our house Jim would hide in his room, doing "work" but admittedly he was incredibly behind on his work so none of us would bother him, but you would have thought he would come out and say hello or something. Eventually Jim finished his work but he decided to keep the relationship cool until after the Christmas Holidays.

After the Holidays, we held another house party. We all got pretty drunk and Jim and Bex were making out again and then they spent the night together. After that the relationship was slowly finishing itself off because Jim was still unsure and still kept minimal contact with Bex. I was told later by a drunken Bex that she liked him but she had given up on anything happening because if it was going to happen it would have happened. I agreed with her because I felt sorry for what she had to go through because I have had the same thing happen to me before. In her drunken state she normally leans close to whoever she talks to and she got really close. I was tempted to kiss her because even though she said she liked Jim, I always felt that there was a connection between me and her. In the end I chose against it because I couldn't betray a friend by kissing a girl who has yet to dump him.

Bex broke it off between the two of them and found another guy. On a night out Jim saw the two of them and felt he did the wrong thing for letting her go because he did like her. Jim got what he deserved in my opinion and I told him that. But what I never told him or anybody else that I liked her as well and I would have treated her better than him.